Ashes, Ashes
by I Have My Reasons Why
Summary: Beck's life seems perfect; he has good grades, awesome friends, and an amazing boyfriend. But one day at lunch Robbie tells the group something that changes them all for good, especially Beck. Now, how can he stop Robbie's life from crashing down when he can already feel his falling apart? Reck, multi-chapter, rated T. Topaz Award 2013 Nominee for Minor Pairng!
1. Before

** Hey you guys! So, for no real reason in particular, I've become _obsessed_ with Beck/Robbie fanfiction. I'm not sure why, because I know it will never happen on the show, but I just find it so gosh darned adorable! Anyways, I really hope you guys like this story. I promise promise promise I will good about updating, hopefully once a week! This is just an introduction/exposition chapter, but that's always important, right? So, yeah, I think that's it. Read and review, thanks!**

** Disclaimer: *Insert creative and witty way to say I don't own this amazing show here***

Growing up, I never considered myself straight, exactly. I had never been interested in a boy romantically, but that didn't mean I never would. I just so happened to like girls my whole life, but in about seventh grade when I witnessed a poor boy getting beat up for being gay, I decided that if I ever did find that I liked a boy, I would be chill about it. Today, being a senior in high school, I still go by that standard. (I have actually _lived _by that standard for half a year now.) I figure that no matter how hard anyone tries, they can't change the way they feel if they love someone. It's not just something you can transform just because you don't like it, there has to be a real reason, and I think it takes a long time for some people to grasp the concept.

So when I woke up on April 6th my junior year, went to school, saw the guy who had been my best friend for years, it hit me. Hard. Everyone had always know that Robbie Shapiro was in the closet; the way he wore women's jeans and held many lingering glances in the gym locker rooms with a more than noticeable erection gave it away. He tried to hide it by asking several girls out, but he always got rejected. Although, he never seemed to be too heartbroken by getting turned down over and over. Anyway, that glorious, beautiful day when I saw him sitting on the staircase going over Pre Calculus notes is one I will never forget.

I had always thought Robbie was a pretty attractive guy in that nerdy, big glasses, Andy Samberg kind of way, but that particular day I happened to notice every detail of his appearance. Out of nowhere, I thought that everything about him was absolutely beautiful. I stayed where I was for a minute or two, thinking and admiring him. Where had this come from? The day before Rob had just been my best friend, and not even twenty four hours later, I was seeing him in a totally different light. I had known him since freshman year when he literally ran into me the first day of school. I fell and hit my head, which knocked me unconscious. I woke up in the nurse's office with Robbie standing there uncomfortably. He had came to make sure I was okay, and to apologize seventeen billion four hundred fifty-five million nine thousand and forty-two times. I decided right then and there that he would make a great best friend, and the giant ass bruise that I got on my head was totally worth it.

So there I was, out of the blue, seeing Robbie Shapiro romantically for the first time in my life. Even though I was confused and scared, I couldn't help but be happy. Because if I ever had to fall in love with a guy, why shouldn't it have been my best friend, who knew everything about me anyway? I made a decision to confront him about it, but standing there for a few more moments gawking at him didn't hurt. I made note of how his eyebrows scrunched together when he was concentrating and how he tapped his foot to a random beat. I also noticed that Rex, his horrible puppet, was nowhere to be found, either. Which was definitely odd, considering Robbie _never_ left the house without his hand shoved up the annoying thing.

I started thinking about every great quality Robbie had, and there were many. For example, there were many days when I would call him up after a fight with Jade. In five minutes flat he would show up with the Stepfather movies and a bag of Neaties – my favorite candy – weighing at least a pound and a half. He would sit and sit listening to me bitch about my girlfriend and would not complain even once. He was so complimentary all the time, building me up with high praise of my acting and singing skills as well as how great of a friend he thought I was.

Rob was also ridiculously smart. If it weren't for him I honestly don't know how I would've passed any math class without him by my side. He never would just give me the answers either, which I truly liked. In life there isn't going to be someone smarter feeding the answers to you. Robbie showed me that. Anyway, there was no problem he couldn't solve. It always amazed me how he was even able to be in plays or be on tech crew with all of the AP classes he took. He had always been ambitious too, always describing to me his big plans of directing major motion pictures. He always promised me that I'd be his star.

It was my chance. He would finally have someone to fill that part.

I realized that I needed to make my move. Taking small steps, I walked over to where he was sitting and plopped down right next to him. I cleared my throat to get his attention, because he had obviously not noticed that I sat down, or he didn't care. "Can I ask you something?" I asked, hoping my voice was as calm as I had wished it to be.

I smiled at how stunningly awkward and gorgeous his voice was, even in a frazzled tone like that, "Not now, Beck, I have a really important exam today and if I don't pass I'll be totally-"

"Are you gay, Rob?" I inquired nonchalantly, cutting off his tirade. He finally looked up at me, coffee colored eyes meeting my own, as his face morphed into a frenzy of emotions. After about two minutes, his expression finally landed on shock. "Don't lie to me, okay?" I asked quietly, but seriously, patting his arm. Robbie croaked out an okay. "So, are you?" His eyes grew even wider, and I really felt bad for the kid, because he looked utterly mortified. I heard him swallow as he nodded furiously, breaking our eye contact.

"Do you like me? I mean…like me as more than a friend?" I asked. _This is it_, I thought. Either he said no and I would've been crushed or he would've said yes and my life would have been perfect. Then it hit me; maybe Robbie didn't feel that way towards me. Being the conceited bastard I was, it never even occurred to me that Robbie might not have wanted me back. I bit my lip, cursing myself for getting into the situation. He nodded again, standing up. I saw one lone tear falling down his face as he started to walk away from the staircase; away from me.

"Hey, don't even think about it." I said as I stood up and grabbed his wrist, stopping him from walking any further. He looked back at me, more tears collecting in his beautiful eyes. I grinned at him, because I just couldn't help it. And even when he started talking I didn't dare let go of his skinny, bony wrist.

"Beck, I really get it if you don't want to be seen with me or anything. I mean who wants to be friends with the gay kid that has a crush on you, right?" He said gently, voice full of hurt, still avoiding my eyes.

"Dude, are you kidding? I'm _totally_ okay with it, more than you know." I hinted, not so subtly, hoping he would get the clue. He clearly didn't.

"Okay, well, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner but I was going to come out soon, I promise. I'm just really weak and stuff and I can't do it by myself, you know?" He still wasn't looking at me, his pupils darting every which way. "God, Beck, I don't know why you hang out with me. I mean seriously, you're all handsome and cool and perfect, but I'm just a loser who carries around a puppet. All my life I've really just wanted to fit in, but I've obviously been unsuccessful. See, I just don't really want to be known as the loser who carries around a puppet and is _also_ a faggot."

"Hey!" I exclaimed, as Robbie finally looked at me, startled. "Don't call my future boyfriend a faggot." Finally, and I do mean _finally_, Robbie took the hint. He opened his mouth like he was about to speak, and then closed it again. He did that a few more times as if he was deciding whether it not he should speak.

"I…Uh – okay." Robbie murmured out.

"You will?" I asked eagerly, hoping things were turning out the way I had hoped.

"Y-Yes." A small nervous grin had broken out on his stunning face.

"Are you just saying that because you feel sorry for me?" I tried to ask serenely, but it only came out weak and broken. Then, surprisingly enough, Rob began to laugh, and I mean _really_ laugh. Like, he ended up having to sit down because he was chortling so hard. I sat next to him, the confusion more than likely noticeable on my face. "You done?" I questioned, kind of annoyed and more than a little worried. He just shook his head no and kept laughing.

Eventually the bell rang in all its weird rhythmic glory. Robbie's laughter died down as he stood up. "You really think _I_ agreed to go out with _you_, Beck 'Freaking Gorgeous' Oliver, out of pity? That's hysterical." I just stared at him and we both started walking to the Tech Theatre III class we shared together.

"So, uh, I'll take that as a no, it's not out of pity?" I inquired, as Robbie looked extremely happy. He nodded in contentment, grinning wildly. "We're, like, dating now, then?" Robbie frowned, and stopped walking. I stopped too, eager to hear what he had to say.

"If you want to, I mean, uh, yeah." He said. I just grinned at him and held out my hand, palm stretched waiting for his. He bit his lip and entwined his fingers with mine as we continued walking down the hallway. We walked slowly, taking up the whole three minutes we had left before class started.

Robbie didn't say much, in fact he was blushing the whole time and his hand was (adorably) sweaty, but it didn't matter. For once in my life I was actually happy with whom I was dating. The only real long term relationship I'd ever had was with Jade, and even then she weighed me down too much with her relentless trust issues. She had broken up with me a few months before for some senior guy. We still are, to this day, pretty good friends, actually, since we're in the same social group and all that.

As Rob and I walked closer to our class, we both realized that by walking into the room full of classmates, we would be changing our reputations forever. I felt Robbie tense up next to me and I squeezed his hand in hope to comfort him. I leaned over and whispered, "Do you want to do this Robbie?" I stared at him for a few seconds while he looked majorly conflicted. It really was his call; I had never really been the type of person to care what everyone thought. And anyway, it's not like same sex couples at this school are or were uncommon or anything, so I knew we wouldn't be alone.

I heard Rob swallow as he slowly nodded his head in jerky motions that kind of resembled a robot. (But everyone knows that robots can't be gay because they don't have feelings. Thank you, Sikowitz.) That was really it. Robbie and I really were going out and everyone would know. There was no going back, but that was okay with me. Because who needs to go back when life is perfect? I wanted to sing and dance up and down the hallways – man, how comically and ironically _gay_ does that sound? I knew that life from that point on would be fantastic, as long as I had my best friend by my side. I nodded back at him as the bell rang its final ring announcing the beginning of class. I gripped his hand tightly as we both took the first step into our new relationship together.

Robbie Shapiro and I have been happily in love ever since then, for about six months now. Soon, though, it all comes crashing around me when I find out my whole life will never be the same.

**So, what did you think? I hope you all liked it; I'm really excited for this story! **

**Review, or else you can't be my best friend.**

**And you know you want to be my best friend!**


	2. My World Falls Down

**Hi, guys! I know I said I'd update once a week but I felt like since I didn't get much feedback that it wasn't too important to update on time. That's not a very good excuse, I'm sorry. I only got three reviews for the last chapter which isn't bad, but do you guys not like the story? Let me know! It's about to get interesting from here, trust me.**

** Anon: Thanks, I'm glad you like it!  
**

** AmazingAmanda: I have always seen Beck as a guy to not care about what other people think. Thanks for reviewing! :)**

** RejectedShyRebel118: Thanks, though I'm not sure I know what you meant about the blunt part haha :P Your feedback is appreciated!**

** Disclaimer: Just…no.**

**Dual Credit Composition End of the Year Essay Rubric**

**Your final essay for this class will be written about the hardest dilemma you have ever been faced with. It is required to be at least six pages long, typed, single spaced, and written in a twelve point font. Each students' due date for this project vary between May 29th or 30th, depending on what day the student has the class. This gives you exactly eight months to work, so absolute gold is expected from every single student. You will be graded on creativity, spelling/grammar, and whether or not it's apparent that you have a vast knowledge for what we have been studying or will be studying over the course of the rest of the year. This final project as a whole will be worth _twenty percent _of your final grade. Good luck.**

I sit at my desk glaring at the rubric in front of me for pretty much the whole class period. We're supposed to be brainstorming ideas on what we're writing about. The teacher annoyingly reminds us several times that this is the only time in class that we'll have to work, but no one is really listening as per usual. The essay isn't even due for, like, eight more months so why should I worry about it now? Besides, I can't think of a single idea. Have I ever even really had a true life problem? I rack my brain more than a few times trying to come up with an interesting topic, but I find zilch. Honestly, my life has been amazing. I have decent parents who aren't too strict, a nice RV to live in next to my mom and dad's pleasant house, I think I'm pretty talented, okay grades, but most importantly an amazing boyfriend.

A lot of guys in my position would probably write about coming out and the "troubles" of being a teenage boy dating another teenage boy. Really, though, it hasn't been hard at all. Rob and I have never really been bullied, just a couple of glares and eye rolls here and there, even now. That never has affected me before, because that's just the way some people are. Sure, it's annoying and extremely rude, but what can you do? It's a hard thing for a lot of people to accept, and I guess I get that. Being in a relationship with someone of the same sex isn't exactly the…traditional thing to do, but it's definitely not a bad thing, and it is most certainly not uncommon. As horribly cliché as it sounds, love is love after all.

Other than that, people are totally cool with it, which is awesome. That is one thing I know Robbie was really worried about, he's even told me. I never exactly blamed him, though; no one outside of our friend group was very nice to him prior to us going out. Not that I'm conceited or anything, but I'm pretty sure the way Rob is treated now has something to do with the fact that I'm semi-popular at this school. It's not like they have him (or me, for that matter) on a pedestal or anything, but he has a sort of unspoken respect that he didn't have before. Girls will say hi to him in the hallway and sometimes guys even give him that ridiculous "sup" nod on occasion. Robbie's grown accustom to it now, rather than the way he just used to blush and look down when it first started. (Needless to say, I always found that incredibly endearing.)

Our friends were the most shocked. Tori fell out of her chair quite over dramatically, Andre's eyes bulged out of his head as he started stuttering, Jade said with an amused expression and sarcastic tone, "Wow, I've never turned a boy gay before," and Cat asked what gay was. After Tori got up, sat down, dusted herself off, and explained to Cat that gay meant that Robbie and I liked boys, not girls – Cat's response was, "But I like boys instead of girls, does that mean_ I'm_ gay?" – Jade gave us both a small smile and a nod of approval, which I honestly didn't expect. Tori got up from her seat with a wide grin spread on her face and she kissed Robbie on the cheek, then me. Andre, after calming down a bit, stood up too, and we took the initiative to do so as well.

"You know I love you guys," Andre said with a genuine smile, "but I think sleep-overs might be kind of awkward now." I punched him on the arm with a laugh as Robbie looked down with a small sheepish smile on his flawless face. "For real, though, I'm happy for both of you." Andre said, and Tori and Cat both nodded in agreement. Jade stood up with her disposable salad bowl and rolled her eyes saying something about how over-ratedly supportive everyone was being. When no one was looking and Jade was about to leave, though, she flashed me a rare full on smile and winked. I grinned back at her and waved her goodbye. She rolled her eyes and walked away, still holding the same grin on her face as she shook her head.

I smile at the memory, thankful for my great friends who have been nothing but encouraging since then. I glance at the clock and see that I only have about ten minutes left until Sikowitz's class, so I just sit there and think…about Robbie, of course. Actually, something's up with him today. When I picked him up this morning he didn't have Rex, which as I've said before is really odd for him to do. Rex is like Robbie's safety blanket. I still haven't cracked the reason why yet, but we're getting there. I have gotten him to admit that he knows that Rex is a puppet and for some unknown (to me, at least) reason Robbie gets offended when people point that out. Anyway, when I pulled him in for a kiss this morning, he seemed a bit hesitant and keyed up. When I asked what was up he said he would tell me at lunch.

So, yeah, there's no doubt that I'm worried and extremely anxious about that. I tap my pencil on the desk to the beat of some random song, the time passing excruciatingly slow. Mrs. Hilgadick (yeah, that's really her name) yells from her desk in her mean old lady voice, "Beck Oliver! This is a college level class so I expect you to behave the same as you would in an actual university. If you get _in_ anywhere, that is…" She mumbles the last part, but it's loud enough for me and everyone else to hear. A few people chuckle but most just roll their eyes, like me.

Finally the bell rings and I all but race out of the room. I hurry to Sikowitz's class so that I might have a few minutes to talk to Robbie before class starts. When I get there, Robbie hasn't showed up yet, so I take my usual seat near the window. He doesn't get there until right before the bell rings, so I have no time to ask him why it looks like he's been crying. His eyes are puffy and his nose is beat red. He sniffles a few times before he sits down, his eyes avoiding me. Class begins with Tori and a boy named Ethan doing an improv scene. I don't quite catch the subject of it, because I have other things – by 'things' I mean one thing, Robbie – on my mind. Although, I'm pretty sure Ethan is Elvis and Tori is a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich, because I hear her scream, "I swear, King, I'm not fried; I don't do drugs!"

Wait, I'm pretty sure that fried isn't a slang term for doing drugs. I think the word she's looking for is baked.

Anyhow, I casually lean forward and whisper into Robbie's ear, "Tell me what's up, Rob, why were you crying?" He just shakes his head and mouths the word "later" as he pretends to pay attention to the scene. I nod slowly, because he obviously doesn't want to make a big deal out of this right now. After they're done everyone claps, except Jade, and Sikowitz calls on Cat, Andre, and I to play the Alphabet Game. I just half ass it; I purposefully get myself out not even midway through the game. How can I care about some crazy improv game when there's something obviously wrong with Robbie?

I eye him and silently drape my arm over his chair, which is scooted up close to mine. I rub his left shoulder as he slowly relaxes against my arm. He turns and shoots me this miniature sad smile that sends chills up my spine and I can feel my heart break a little. What's making him so sad? If this is about him getting bullied or something like that, then some dickhead is getting pummeled for sure.

I glance at the clock and notice that we still have about forty five minutes left until the lunch bell rings. I try to pay attention to what's happening up front, but it's just Sikowitz babbling about something or other. Normally, this is my favorite class, but under today's circumstances I'm ready to leave and find out what's been up with Robbie all day. Out of nowhere, he turns to me and plants a small, but sweet kiss on my cheek. I can't help but smile at him. He's just so…breakable. I feel like if I squeezed him even a little bit he would shatter into a million pieces.

When we first started dating, in fact, I was afraid to touch Rob. I would only give him light hugs and small pecks on the lips, that sort of thing. He totally took it the wrong way, though; He thought I didn't really like him. This, of course, was absolutely the farthest thing from the truth. After a lot of convincing, at last he believed me. I explained that I just didn't want to ruin his beautiful innocence; I didn't – and still don't – want to watch him break in my hands.

Once I start daydreaming, the time goes by pleasantly fast. Soon enough the bell sounds and everyone races to lunch. I tell Cat, Tori, Andre, and Jade to go ahead without us and that we'll catch up. Everyone except Cat eyes Robbie and gives me quizzical looks, and I don't know what to tell them so I just shrug. Jade shrugs back and walks off to lunch, dragging Cat behind her. "Go ahead you guys, really, we're fine." I say, hoping that I'm right. Tori gives me another worried look and Andre just nods as they leave as well. Rob takes his sweet damned time, though, gathering his things and walking excruciatingly slow. I don't push him because I know that he's clearly going through something right now and he probably doesn't need me on his butt about walking too slow. But still, he _is_ walking pretty slowly.

Eventually we get there with only about ten minutes left in the lunch period. We get the crappy Grub Truck leftovers but I'm not very hungry anyway; I'm too nervous about what Robbie's going to tell us. He sits there and pushes his food around uneasily, looking at the clock several times. Everyone else at the table is oblivious; they just joke and laugh like nothing is wrong. Can they not feel the tension in the air?

Finally, maybe five minutes before the bell is supposed to ring, Robbie coughs to get everyone's attention. No one notices at first; Cat, Andre, and Tori are all laughing about some story or joke and Jade is stabbing her empty tray with her plastic fork. Robbie coughs again, louder this time, but again no one hears him. "Hey!" I yell a little more forcefully than planned, but even so, it gets their attention. "Robbie is trying to tell us something here, guys." I say a little more politely.

"Th-Thanks, Beck." Robbie stutters quietly. "Uh, well…We all have been friends for a long time right?" He says nervously, looking at the table. Everyone nods, even Jade, and I take his hand and give it a small, hopefully encouraging squeeze.

"Okay, get on with it! None of us have all day here!" Jade exclaims, annoyed. I glare daggers at her, wishing I could punch her in the face. Honestly, that girl just needs to know when to shut her mouth. Robbie nods and bites his lip.

"It's okay, go ahead, baby." I say supportively, urging him to say whatever it is he is going to say with my eyes.

"Okay." I hear him gulp. "I…I have cancer."

Ashes, ashes, my world falls down.

**So, what do you think? I really hope you all want more of this story, because I really would love to continue! I don't want to sound ungrateful; I love each and every one of you!**

** If you don't review I might shoot you with a water gun.**

** Actually, I might do that anyway!**


	3. I'm So Sorry

**Hey guys! I was really about to quit this story but I decided not to. That's good, right? This chapter's really short and I'm so sorry for that. Oh, and the new updating day will be around Fridays. The only reason I'm posting today is because I got off from work early. There's an important announcement at the end of this chapter, so if you would take a minute and read it that would be awesome! And review, as always :)**

** Disclaimer: Dan Schneider wants me to own Victorious, but he knew you all would get too jealous.**

"Um, Beck? Can we talk about something?" Robbie asks nervously as I sit at my computer typing up a hurried History paper that's due tomorrow. He's sitting on my bed like he's the one who lives there, and in a way he kind of does now. I immediately stop writing as my heart skips a beat or two. The last time Robbie and I "talked" about something, I received the crappiest, most horrible news of my life. I take a deep breath, prepping myself for whatever else might have gone wrong. My thoughts are running a mile a minute coming up with possible bad scenarios. But, really, what's worse than your boyfriend that you love more than anything getting Leukemia?

"Sure, kid, go for it." I mentally applaud myself for sounding as calm as I do when I'm really freaking out inside. I give him a smile and he shoots me that little sheepish grin that I absolutely live for.

"Well, uh, you know…Ch-Chemotherapy?" He asks, looking down at his hands. I nod at him, wondering where he's going with this. "I don't think I'm going to do it. I mean, I'm not going to get any treatment. Like, at all. I just want to…die peacefully, you know?"

_What?_

He's going to kill himself? That's what he wants: to die painfully slow? Hell no, that is not happening. I don't realize I'm standing until I notice that Robbie is closer than he was before, but I really don't care. "What?" I don't even try to keep the anger out of my voice. He tries to speak again but I don't let him, cutting him off as soon as he starts. "What the fuck, Robbie? What do you _mean_ you're not getting treatment?"

"Beck-"

"No, listen to me, Rob; you are not going to die. I will not let you throw a full life of happiness to something that will probably be fixed. I'll be damned if you kill yourself for no reason. You are getting every procedure out there until you're better again, I will make sure of that. This," I gesture to him to reference his decision, "is not happening. Okay?"

Robbie looks up at me from his spot on the bed, his eyes wide and scared. I watch him bite his lip as he looks conflicted for a few seconds. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. I can already feel warm tears coming on, but lately I've been used to crying. It doesn't affect me as much as it would if this were any normal circumstance.

"Do you –" I clear my throat so my voice won't break, "Do you want to kill yourself, Rob? Is that it? If it is, I'm not mad. Just please, tell me." My voice is pleading and desperate, and that's just the way I'm feeling on the inside. Robbie has a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks, and I can just feel my heart breaking.

"No," he says in an unexpectedly harsh tone of voice, "I just don't want to end up losing my hair and puking blood and all that _shit_ that people with cancer go through. This obviously means that I'm not supposed to be on this planet anymore, Beck. If God wanted me here, then this wouldn't be happening. I don't need to waste my time and my parent's money with meaningless treatments and procedures all for something that probably won't even work. If this is how it's supposed to be, then so be it. It's just the way life works, Beck; this is my fate to just –"

"Fuck, Robbie!" I screech, cutting off his rant. I've never been so mad at someone before, and if I weren't so furious I would probably be a little scared of this newfound high level of testosterone. In one swift motion, I turn and kick the pile of suitcases that's holding up my laptop with all the force I can muster. The suitcases scatter on the ground along with my computer, which breaks. My legs are weak as I stumble to the ground, crying like I never have before. Robbie's sobbing freely as well, gasping violently.

I have trouble forming words; I'm so upset that I can't even begin to convey to him the way I'm feeling. "You can't…I'm not going to let you…Stop being so…Just, please forget this…Robbie…" I bury my face in my hands, beginning to bawl like a little kid. I don't realize it, but Robbie slides down off the bed and wraps one arm around me. We end up lying on my floor, both of us crying, with my head on his chest.

No words are really spoken; we just leave each other to our respective thoughts. I picture Robbie as I have pictured him our whole relationship: by my side, the whole way. I see us, about five years older, going camping and playing video games. Cuddling up on his bed watching Galaxy Wars, then outside on a blanket watching the sun go down. I see him with his own comedy act, and myself staring in movies. We have the perfect relationship. There are no obstacles, no problems thrown our way.

Then I picture Robbie's funeral. Just the thought makes me cry even harder, but since Robbie has JUST made this idea so prominent in my mind, I can't ignore it. It would be an open casket, unless he simply looked too gruesome for anyone to see. I would go, of course, but I'm not so sure that I would be able to talk to anyone. The whole gang would be there, all of them in tears. They all would speak, every single one of their speeches very tasteful and well written. Each one would outline Robbie's life and successes beautifully.

Tori would sing a lovely song that Andre had written, and Jade would recite a monologue about death from one of her overly depressing plays. Cat, I think, would sit beside me. I can see her holding my hand, not saying a word for once. Really, Cat and I are the closest to Robbie. She would cry and I would just sit, numb, and wait for everything to be over. When Robbie's favorite song came on, Cat would sing quietly through her tears.

Afterward, I would stand in front of everyone with the little redhead plastered to my side. Everyone would be looking at me, expecting, waiting for words that would never come. My mouth would open, but only sobs would come out. They'd be fierce, earth shattering wails, and there wouldn't be a dry eye in the house. I would just lay there until eventually everyone left, no one able to get me up.

When they were gone, I would break open Robbie's coffin and hug him. I would drop Rex into his coffin to be with him forever. Then, I would scream and scream until there was absolutely no voice left to shriek with. I would be so incredibly broken, there would just be nothing left to live for.

In reality, somewhere along the line Robbie and I kiss, and then it turns into a very heated make out session. Both of our shirts come off, and we keep going like that until there are no clothes for either of us to hide in anymore. We have sex for the first time right there on my RV floor. It's beautiful – Robbie is beautiful – even in this mess of a situation. We both cry the whole time, Robbie whispering over and over he's sorry.

I just say sorry, too, because I am. Oh God, I really am.

** So, do you guys think that Robbie will eventually give up treatment or will Beck encourage him to keep fighting? I honestly don't know that much about Leukemia so if any of you guys have some tips I'd love to hear them! Please, please, please review!**

** Reviewing adds two seconds on to the end of your life.**

** Think about it.**

** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: **

** Okay guys, recently something happened to one of my favorite writer's on fanfiction. Some of you may know who I'm talking about but I feel that it would be best not to share any of her personal information just in case that would be inappropriate or uncomfortable for her. Basically, she tried to commit suicide but luckily was found in time. She had bad things going on at home, but one of the reasons she attempted it was because of cyber bullying on this site. This is something I want to talk about because it can make or break whether or not someone brings a gun to their head. I'm sure most writers, including myself, have all gotten bad reviews now and again. It's just something that's bound to happen but it's still very hard not to dwell on. **

**There is a very, _very_ large difference between constructive criticism and totally hating on a story. Constructive criticism is telling someone what they can improve on in a story in a nice, polite manner. Hating is telling someone that they are a horrible writer, they suck, they'll never amount to anything, and that sort of thing. Trust me, I know what it's like to read a story and just absolutely cringe because of all the bad spelling and grammar mistakes, weak plot lines, and the characters being extremely out of character. But it doesn't help anything to tell the author that he/she is a bad writer, because everyone has potential. They can be as good of a writer as they wish to be, though they may need help with it. Guide them, tell them what is right and wrong, but do it carefully.**

**Okay, that's all for today. Thanks for listening to my rant.**

**Review!**


	4. Everybody Play The Game

**Hello, beautiful people! I realized that I forgot the shout outs for last chapter so I'll just combine them for this chapter and the last. I feel like I babble a lot but this is all I have to say for now, so I guess you're all lucky!**

** yaoi and kink lover 3000: I'm so happy you're enjoying the story, and I agree with you. It's awful what she went through and it happens far too often :/**

** EmmaRose58: She's one of my favorite authors, and when I saw that her brother wanted us to talk about cyber bullying, I thought that was a great idea! Thanks so much for your kind words, they made me smile!**

** Reina: Thanks a million for saying I'm a talented writer! I think it's one of the nicest compliments someone could give me! So you're becoming a Reck fan, hmm? Glad to see I've converted you hahaha! :D**

** Disclaimer: I kind of understand why Dan wouldn't want me to own Victorious, don't you?**

It's been two days.

Two days since Robbie and I physically declared our love for each other. Two days since he told me that he didn't want treatment for his cancer. Two days that I've spent trying to convince him to at least try and heal.

He hasn't budged.

Today is Wednesday, my least favorite day of the week. I always have to take the late shift at work on Wednesdays because I have a lesson with my acting coach immediately after school so I don't get to start working at my regular time. Now I'll be on the four to midnight shift, which means I won't get to see Rob at all.

Not very many people know that I'm nowhere near as loaded as my parents. My mother and father actually lived in the RV before I was born and a little while after. Finally, when I was about two years old, they scrimped and saved up enough to buy a small little house right outside of Hollywood. Then one day, my father's parents got into a car accident and both died. They left all of their money to their only son, my dad. So, my _parents_ are rich.

But in an agreement for privacy, I chose to live in the Silver Streak. On one condition; my parents wouldn't pay for food or any of that. They let me have the cleaning lady do the RV once a week, and they pay for my water, but that's it. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to death. They've made it very clear that if I can't handle the real world life, then I can always come home. I've made it this far, though, and I'm not going back to them when I'm completely independent.

That being said, I work an eight hour shift at a restaurant close to Hollywood Arts every single night, minus weekends. Everyday, except for Wednesday, I all but run to work just to get there on time. School gets out at 2:20 – I know, it seems early. Helen doesn't believe in starting school at eight like everyone else. The school day starts at 7:20 each day and lets out at 2:20 – and then I jet on over to The Dynamic and work there as a waiter until 10:20 PM. On my breaks I do homework, and whatever I don't get done I do at home or in the morning.

The Dynamic is a really exclusive American food style restaurant. There's always live music and the waiters and waitresses have to dress in strictly formal, black attire. Being on my feet for eight hours constantly gets a little strenuous, but I manage. I get free, delicious food on my break for dinner, and whatever I don't finish I take home to keep for breakfast. That's two more meals that I don't have to pay for.

Work isn't too hard tonight, considering it's a weeknight, but the place is still half full almost the whole time. Honestly, a lot of the girls I serve try to flirt with me. I kind of go along with it, because I have to if I want their tips. I've already told Robbie and he's fine with it. Actually, I often tell him funny stories about the ditzy girls that say the weirdest, un-sexiest things and we laugh about it. He doesn't mind as long as there are no guys all over me, which has never happened in the whole two years I've worked there. I'm not the stereotypical "gay" type, I guess.

Being a waiter certainly gives me a lot of time to think – I can never decide if that's a good or bad thing. I usually consider it a great thing because I get to dream and fantasize about Robbie the whole time. Tonight and last night, though, have been totally horrible. The only thing on my mind is whether or not he's okay, or if I'll be able to change his mind. I've had to vow to myself not to be selfish with this Robbie issue. I have to think about what's best for him, and that definitely means I can't yell at him or get mad. I have to work with him on this and listen to whatever he has to say.

Take everything one day at a time.

I take a break at eight – after the usual dinner rush – and I check my phone to see a new text message from Rob. "_Hey, can I go over to your place? I'm bored and I want to see you when you get off._" I check the time he sent it, seeing that it was only a few minutes ago. Smiling widely, I type, "_Sure thing. I'll be there ASAP. I love you and miss you, ttyl :)_"

Not a minute later, he messages me with, "_Thanks babe, have a good rest of your shift. Love you._" I frown. Robbie always tacks a smiley face onto the end of his texts, so I can't help but be a little worried. Of course, he hasn't exactly been himself lately either. I'll often times catch him staring at me, biting his lip. His eyebrows are knit together and he looks as if he's having some kind of major internal struggle. He probably is; Chemo or no Chemo? Death or Suffering? It's a painful thing to watch.

After chomping on a delicious burger and steak fries, it's 8:15 and my break is over, so I reluctantly trudge back in to the restaurant to finish my shift. Nothing too exciting happens, just the same old lines to basically the same people; "Hey guys, I'm Beck and I'll be your server this evening," and, "Would you like another iced tea, ma'am?" and, "Cold weather for Hollywood, huh?" It's all a cycle, running through my head without me even having to think about it. Just smile convincingly and fake a laugh when someone deadpans a joke.

Finally, and I do mean finally, I get off work with over a hundred dollars in tips. I'm sure to anyone who doesn't know the circumstances I seem like a nutcase for taking on so many hours when I'm still in high school. The thing is that I've told my parents over and over that I can pay for my college tuition all by myself. They're really disinclined about it, even though they've agreed to treat me as an individual. Plus, gas, food, and rent are expensive as hell. I'm actually lucky to have such a well paying job as a senior in high school.

The play rehearsals for school aren't an issue either because we only practice on the weekends and during classes. Sure, I'll have to take off work for a dress rehearsal here or there, but those kinds of run-throughs only happen closer to the shows. If I have to take off a lot for a certain event, I can usually make the time up by working for a couple of weekends. My boss, Jeremy, knows my situation and lets me slide when it comes to that kind of thing, too, so really it's never a big deal.

Driving home seems to take forever, but I know that it's just because I'll get to see Robbie and I'm excited. I crank up the radio louder than usual, the bass pounding through my whole body. I put in my Queen CD, which always gets me to relax. They're definitely my favorite band of all time, which gets me made fun of by my friends constantly. I have to admit, idolizing Freddie Mercury _is_ pretty gay. "_It's so easy_," I sing, "_when you know the rules. It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love, play the game. Everybody play the game of love._" By the time I get through Bohemian Rhapsody, I find myself parked in front of the RV.

I grin when I see Robbie's car. I hurriedly jump out of my vehicle and half run to the door; I haven't seen Rob since school got out and I've been thinking about it since he texted me. When I find the door locked I can't help but smile, because Rob has always made sure to be safe. "You never know!" he always exclaims when I laugh at him.

I unlock the door and then push it open. "Robbie, I'm hom-" The pungent stench that attacks my nose is the first thing that I notice as I step into the Silver Streak. Befuddled, I look around the room and drop my keys when I find out where the smell is coming from. My heart stops and I suddenly forget how to breathe. After two seconds of that, I'm on my knees, screaming. I guess I'm loud enough for my mom to hear because she comes running in, with Dad close at her heals.

"What's the matter Be-" she stops talking when she sees what I'm pointing at. "James! Call 911!"

There, in the middle of the floor, is Robbie. Next to his sprawled, unconscious form lays an empty bottle of Vodka that was half full the last time I saw it. I'm too scared to move, so I just wait to hear the sirens screeching out their loud whines. All my life, I've tried to be the calm one in every situation, the one who thinks rationally and doesn't let bad thoughts get out of hand. But this time I can't help it.

I simply can't bring myself to look up from my hands to see if he's breathing. Finally, I hear the wails of an ambulance coming closer and closer, but I don't dare move. I remain a motionless, pathetic, crumpled shell on the scratchy carpet of the RV floor. It's the same floor that we first made love on. It's the floor we sat on when I told him I loved him. All these bright, fun, happy memories flood my brain, and I can't take it.

What if we're never able to make moments like that happen again?

What if Robbie's dead?

Ashes, ashes, my life might fall down.

**Ooh, cliffhanger! I'm so evil, but you guys love me, right? …RIGHT?**

** I honestly don't have this story planned out. I just write what comes to me, and it's like I know how I want the story to end but I don't know how to get there. So, there may be things that will happen that you won't like. Basically, I'm just trying to say this might not be a happily ever after story. It might, though, I just have no idea. Bear with me, please, and I promise to only write what's best for this particular story. Dealio?**

** Every time I update, I try and come up with witty ways to get you to review. I'm really tired this time around, so if you review, I'll just be really happy. Seriously, they make me smile even when I've had a bad day. Don't you guys want me to smile? :)**


	5. Numbing Reality

** Hey everybody! Updates for the next two weeks may be irregular; I'm in a play and the rehearsals are all day everyday. And just because I'm a weirdo and I like to brag – I'm in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and I got the part of Willy Wonka! Gah, I'm so excited, you guys! Anyway, onto shout outs!**

** Guest: Aw, thank you! Here's your update :)**

** Prescott0913: You don't know how much I admire the fact that this is the only Victorious story on your Favorite List! Thanks so much for all the nice things you said! And oh, I totally agree, I think that Beck is primarily only used for the "love triangle" and he just doesn't have much substance. Sigh. I have serious problems trying to pretend that I don't think Avan Jogia's the hottest person alive, though ;)**

** Ailodierap: You have no idea how badly I freaked out when I started to read the email that said you reviewed! Your story That's So Original! is the funniest story I've ever read, even including books, not just fanfictions. After you reviewed the first chapter, I got paranoid that you wouldn't like the rest, but thank God you did. I'm really honored that you think the story is so good! I've read all of your stories, and I love them. Thanks so much for all the great things you said, every one of your reviews made me grin from ear to ear. I hope you like the rest of the story :D P.S. – sorry for fangirling, I just can't help it! I honestly almost had a heart attack when I saw the email that you added this to your Favorites!**

** Disclaimer: If I did own this show, wouldn't it be kind of weird to be writing slash fiction for it? Maybe Dan Schneider is secretly a fanfiction writer, too! And maybe he writes Reck, just like me! MAYBE _I'M_ DAN SCHNEIDER! **

The hospital is too intensely bright for my eyes, especially since it's one in the morning.

There aren't many people in the waiting room, which is good. It allows me to curl up into the fetal position on one of the tiny couches. I wasn't permitted to ride in the ambulance with Robbie because they had to get him out so fast, so I had to ride with my parents. (Mom and Dad are both sitting on a couch near mine, both eyeing me wearily, not speaking.) They didn't even tell me if he would be okay. I force myself to become numb, because from this point on there's nothing to do but wait for hopefully good news. I text everyone to let them know which hospital we're at, and when all of them reply with worried questions about what happened, I don't know what to say. I just tell them that we aren't sure but it has something to do with alcohol.

_My_ alcohol.

I whimper loudly. My straight-faced, expressionless façade quickly breaks as I begin to sob. _You did this to him!_ pounds through my head relentlessly. It's not like I even drink very often; that was vodka that I'd stolen from Tori's house the night Jade and I broke up back in the beginning of February. That was a hard time for me. It's basically the only time I've seriously drank, besides a few parties here or there. One Friday night, around the end of February, I got seriously drunk with my stolen liquor. I had promised Robbie that I'd go watch him and Rex sing at Karaoke Dokie, and once again, I failed. Around that time, I had the horrible habit of making plans with Rob then breaking them every time for liquor. That was probably the fifth time I had broken my word to him that month, and he showed up at my place, supremely pissed off.

I don't remember much about that night, besides Robbie yelling at me. I still can't recall what he was saying, but what I've committed to memory is what happened the next day. I woke up around noon with an awful hangover, my mouth tasting of cotton. I literally rolled out of bed, then immediately regretted it. My stomach did summersaults and my head spun with nausea. I ran all the way into the bathroom, making it just in time to puke. When I was finally done, I got up from the floor to brush my teeth. There, on the bathroom mirror, I found a note.

_Dear Beck,_ the note read in a messy scribble that I only recognized as Robbie's handwriting, _you're my best friend, and I hate seeing you like this. I really don't want to have to do this, but you're kinda making it hard here. I see you getting so drunk every single weekend, and even some weeknights. You're missing school and work left and right; your grades are in jeopardy and I'm sure you're at the risk of losing your job. If you don't swear off drinking, I'm going to have to end our friendship. Please, Beck, I really don't want to do that. I need you. Please don't just do this for me, but most importantly do it for your health. –Robbie._

The letter brought tears to my eyes as I looked in the bathroom mirror. I saw a teenage guy who looked very tired, alone, and broken. The sight hit me like a ton of bricks, because I never really thought that what I was doing was bad. Drinking made me forget about the world, about Jade, about everything. Robbie had always been an emotional person, and he counted on me to be there for him and I wasn't. I just sat pathetically at home practically drowning myself in whiskey, beer, vodka, and sheer loneliness.

That mirror didn't only show me how weak I'd become, but it also showed me that I had to change. As much as drinking made me feel better, it definitely wasn't worth it without Robbie. Sure, I had Andre and Tori and Cat but they weren't the same as him. Andre never liked to talk about feelings, we'd always had the "eat pizza and play video games" type of friendship. Tori was a good listener but she had a hard time coming up with anything comforting to say, and still does. And Cat…was just Cat. She's always been the sweetest little thing, but she's never been able to pay attention for very long. If I ever told her I had a problem she would be enthusiastic to help, but she only showed up with a lot of ice cream or candy and a lack of being able to talk.

I guess over those few weeks, I came to understand that the only two things that made me feel better were Robbie and alcohol. I just never even considered that somewhere along the line, those two would get mixed together. And now, sitting in the overly white hospital, I can only picture him all alone, drinking. After I found his note, I got rid of the beer and whiskey, and I hid the vodka. It was always my least favorite, so I figured that if I ever needed to have a drink, I would only able to find that and I wouldn't want to. It worked, I guess, because I never drank it again.

But Robbie did.

Why didn't I just get rid of it then? If I had, Robbie wouldn't be in the emergency room passed out or worse. This is all my fault, I should've known that he may have done something like this; he's totally unstable. I know that Robbie's never even touched alcohol, meaning he had no tolerance to it. When someone first begins drinking and they start out with something as hard as vodka, it usually doesn't turn out pretty. He drank a whole half of the bottle, which is way too much. What if he's in a coma?

What if he never wakes up?

Suddenly, the silent, still hospital seems to come alive. Tori, Jade, Andre, and Cat all show up at once, causing quite a ruckus. Tori and Jade seem to be arguing, as if that's unusual, Andre's looking around the emergency room, looking extremely confused and kind of scared, which are certainly rare emotions to see him have. Silly, bubbly Cat is running into the waiting room at full speed, her expression determined yet horrified at the same time.

I stand up and run a hand through my hair. "Beck!" Cat screams as she hugs me fiercely. I barely have time to react at all before she lets go. "Is he okay? What happened?"

She's so…serious. I don't think I've ever seen Cat so focused on something in her whole entire life. Cat and Robbie have always been best friends, ever since we all started at Hollywood Arts. They understand each other in a way that baffles me. Don't get me wrong, I love Robbie more than anything, but we're definitely not the same kind of person and I don't get everything about him. The two have always been the stranger ones of our friend group, and I think they take comfort in the other's presence. I'm pretty sure Cat knows things about Rob that even I don't.

I don't say anything to her; I can't make words come out of my mouth. Her eyes are pleading me to tell her, but the only thing I can think about is how she has the same brown eyes that he does. I think that many people, including myself, just write Cat off as being ignorant. No one really takes her seriously, probably why she doesn't get very good parts in the plays. She's very good at both acting and singing, but the teachers don't always cast just based on talent. They don't give her a chance because they think she can't handle it. But now, seeing that she has this fiery passion to know the truth, I think I'll stop considering her such a child.

By now, the rest of the group is all standing around me. "So?" Jade asks, her voice annoyed and lacking any kind of tact whatsoever. They're all staring at me, expecting me to tell them what happened. I'm afraid to even think of talking; what if I burst into tears? I look around and find Mom, sitting next to my dad. They're both looking at me, too, and I try and send them a telekinetic message so that they'll tell my friends what's going on because I really don't want to.

It doesn't work.

"I…I got home from work and he texted me saying he was going to my place so I knew he would be there and…" I clear my throat as I wipe a few tears away, trying to push myself into being numb again. "I o-opened the door and he was passed out with an empty bottle of vodka that was half full. We called an ambulance a-and we haven't heard any news since then."

Tori's eyes become as wide as saucers as she crosses her arms over her chest. Andre sits down on one of the stiff chairs and buries his face in his hands; this is something he'll usually do when he's frustrated or distressed. Jade takes a deep breath as she turns and begins to pace. Cat's mouth is covered with her right hand as she squeaks and tears fill her eyes. I want to say something, anything, to comfort her but nothing comes to mind. I don't like seeing Cat cry or get upset; it's like watching a little kitten (pun not intended) get hit by a car.

Eventually, Jade walks off to go get coffee and Tori gently guides Cat to a couple of chairs, leaving the room peaceful again. We stay like that for maybe half an hour, until Robbie's parents show up. For a second I'm a bit confused as to who they are, because I've only met his mother twice and his father once. They're divorced and Rob mostly stays with his mom, but from the couple times I've spoken to her I know she's not all that pleasant. We never go to his house, either, it's always mine, so I never see either of his parents. I never thought to tell them that we're here, but I don't have their numbers. A doctor probably called them or something. Don't they do that?

Mr. Shapiro looks tired and worried, but Mrs. Shapiro doesn't look all that concerned as they walk into the waiting room. Mr. Shapiro is an older man, probably around fifty years old. He has a comb-over hairstyle and is wearing dress pants and a green button up shirt, as if he's just come from work even though it's two in the morning. Mrs. Shapiro looks at least a five years younger than her ex-husband, and is actually very beautiful in an older woman kind of way. She has the same curly hair as Robbie, and she's wearing a dress shirt and kakis.

"Mr. and Mrs. Shapiro," I greet quietly as I stand. "I don't know if you remember me; I'm Beck, Robbie's boyfriend."

"Right, you're the one that turned my wholesome, good, God praising son into a fag," the woman shoots wickedly with a sneer.

"Ma'am, I don't think now is the best time to say that, since he's in the emergency room." I say, trying my damndest to sound polite.

"Really, Nancy, how can you say that about Robert?" Mr. Shapiro declares and then looks at me. "Good to see you again, son."  
"Likewise, sir."

Robbie's mom rolls her eyes but doesn't retort again, which I'm thankful for. The odd pair sits down in a part of the room that's empty without speaking to each other. I suddenly can't stand to be in the colorless, depressing room any longer so I announce that I'm going out for some air. No one really gives much of a response; everyone seems to be in their own worlds. Fine by me, I could use some time alone. Once I turn to leave, though, Cat asks if she can come. How can I say no?

We walk outside and find a bench to sit on. It's quiet for a long time, until Cat randomly grabs my hand. "Will you pray with me, Beck?" she asks earnestly. I'm not as religious as I wish I was, but ever since I found out my miraculous, wonderful boyfriend has cancer I've been having talks with God way more often. I figure that if I can't make Robbie's Leukemia go away, then He most certainly can. I smile at the redhead and nod, and she grins back at me.

"Dear God," she starts, "I know you get a lot of requests all the time, but this is really important. Robbie, my best friend in the whole world and Beck's boyfriend, has cancer. And tonight he drank too much and got into some trouble, and we just want him to be okay." She opens her eyes and urges me to talk.

"God, I know I've been asking a lot of you lately. But if you could just please, please, give Robbie the strength to just wake up, I would be in your debt forever. It's all I want in the world, I'm begging. Amen." Cat echoes my Amen and then I hear a beeping. She pulls out her PearPhone and reads a text message, then squeals.

"Robbie's awake, talking, and just fine! Beck, our prayers worked!" Cat cries.

I'm at my feet after she says the amazing word "awake," and I'm squeezing Cat like there's no tomorrow. I'm laughing and spinning her around because I'm just so happy and relieved. We race into the hospital hand in hand, and the whole time I'm thanking God. She's right; he did answer our prayers. This is a sign, a sign that everything's okay or at least it all will be okay eventually. Somehow, I know I'll find a way to convince Robbie that he needs treatment. I can do this.

We get to the waiting room, but everyone's still standing there, besides Rob's parents. The group looks sad and their faces all seem unreadable. What's going on? "Hey, what's the matter with all of you? Robbie's awake! When can I see him?" I question anxiously.

No one says anything for a few moments, until Jade speaks up. "Robbie woke up," she sullenly utters, "but he doesn't want to see you."

**DUN DUN DUNNNNN!**

**Don't get your panties in a twist, everything will be okay!**

**Unless your panties were already twisted…**

**In that case, I'm sorry; that must've been extremely uncomfortable for you.**

**Review, please! :)**


	6. I Can't Say Goodbye Anymore

**Well hello there! I'm really afraid that I won't be able to update for awhile, so I thought I'd just post really early. Hopefully that makes you guys happy! THIS IS IMPORTANT: This chapter is in Robbie's point of view. At first, I wrote two versions of this chapter: One in Beck perspective and this one. I definitely like this one better. If you guys like it, I think I'll do Robbie point of view maybe every four chapters? So, if you like that idea, it'll be Beck's standpoint for four chapters then Robbie's on the fifth. Tell me if you're interested! Thanks for reviewing, you guys are awesome!**

** EmmaRose58: I think I forgot your shout out for the last chapter, sorry! I hope last chapter satisfied you! :)**

** Ailodierap: Haha, I can only hope to be as great of an author as you are someday! Thanks for your compliments about how Cat was written. I'm actually really glad you suggested Robbie's point of view in an early chapter, this one's for you! ;)**

** DoubleBubble249: Thanks chicka, (I love calling people that!) you're so sweet! :D**

** Guest #1: Well, lucky you, I'm updating way sooner than usual haha! Oh my gosh, that's so nice of you to say, thank you :)**

** Guest #2: Haha, some times I literally have to sit for a long time thinking of a witty disclaimer XD thanks for reviewing!**

** Disclaimer: So, I've come to the very disheartening realization that I am not, in fact, Dan Schneider. I'm actually a fifteen year old girl, but that's close to being Dan Schneider, right? Anyway, I don't own Victorious.**

I feel like someone hit me with a very large, very deadly truck full of cement blocks.

Honestly, I wish someone had; everything would be a lot easier for everyone I was dead.

I close my eyes, trying to get a hold on the situation. I hear my mother, bless her sweet little heart, as she screams at me vigorously like it's the only thing she knows how to do. Dad steps up to my rescue, telling her that I've been going through a lot and they begin to argue. I know he means well, but soon their disagreement escalades into a big shouting match, which doesn't help my huge headache. I do my best to tune them out, but it doesn't stop me from hearing her say that I'm a disappointment.

As if I didn't know that already.

Taking a deep breath, I inhale the gloomy stench of antiseptic and mother's cheap perfume. I got it for her on her last birthday, apologizing for the lack of a luxurious present. She sneered at me, complaining that since she carried me for nine months, she deserved a nice bottle of perfume. But she still wears it everyday. That's got to count for something, anything, right?

My parents have only been in here for a couple minutes and they're already at each other's throats. I attempt to think of a time where they didn't hate each other and I can't think of even one occasion where they even held hands. We were always a middle class family, but mother spent most of Dad's cash on weekly shopping trips. I never had enough clothes, but she certainly did. Money was one of the things they fought about most often, along with infidelities, stupid little problems that should've been nothing, and of course, their girly failure of a son.

I do remember looking through old photo albums from when they were in college. There were tons of pictures that showed them as a happy, young couple; Dad teaching her to play the guitar, their road trip to Missouri, their wedding. I can't comprehend how two people can be so in love, get married, have a child, and then suddenly they hate each other. How can a couple never show affection towards each other like they did? Beck has never been embarrassed or unwilling to hold my hand or kiss me in public.

Beck.

Just thinking his name makes me almost sob like the pathetic, stupid boy I am. After our friendship was threatened by Beck's drinking, I promised him I would never take a sip of alcohol at least until I was legal. In return, he promised to quit drinking. When I made my guarantee to him, he got tears in his eyes. I'll never forget what he said to me, "You're the best friend I've ever had, Rob. I know I hurt you in ways that you probably shouldn't forgive me for, but thank you for accepting me again. I just can't handle you falling into this alcohol trap like me, please don't. I love you, man." That was when I realized that I liked him more than a friend. I'm such an idiot. Really, I wouldn't be shocked if Beck came in here to break up with me. I deserve it, after all.

There's a knock on the door, making my eyes fly open. My parents apparently don't hear it as they keep hollering at each other. "Hey!" I finally yell, losing all patience. "I know you guys hate each other or whatever but do you think you can forget about your petty problems for one second to answer the door?" Normally, a remark like that would earn me a slap across the face from mother or worse. Instead, she just glares scornfully at me and crosses her arms over her chest as Dad answers the door.

To my immense astonishment, it's Jade. "Robbie!" she yells, seeming almost…relieved. I can even see a hint of a smile on her face. "Beck and Cat are out for some air, I just texted them saying you're awake. He'll up here in a minute. Do you want to see Cat, too? She's probably dying to see you. I'm glad you're, uh, awake. It would suck if you, you know, died. Not that I care or anything. Anyway, I'll just send him in when he gets-"

"No." I cut her off sternly, my insides turning to jelly with nausea. And I don't think it's from having my stomach pumped, either. Jade looks extremely confused, which is kind of weird to see. Usually she's so confident and sure of herself, but I think I've caught her off guard. "I don't want to see Beck."

"What?"

"You heard me, Jade."

"Of course I heard you, you nitwit; I'm not deaf. Why don't you want-?"

I cut her off again, exasperatedly saying, "Just go away and tell him I don't want to see him." She stares at me a few more moments, eyeing me like I'm her biggest enemy. Jade turns to leave but before exiting the room completely, she pokes her head back in.

"I know you're probably ashamed of what you did, but he deserves to at least see you. He loves you, Shapiro, more than he ever loved me. Think about that before you do what I know you're thinking about doing." And with that, she leaves for good. Leave it to Jade West to be totally vague even in a situation like this.

I can be as bitter as I want, but deep down inside I know she's right. Of course she's right. I'm the one who was completely irresponsible, I'm the one who broke the promise, and I'm the one who should face the music. But my head is pounding and my stomach's reeling, all I really want to do is sleep. It's been a couple of minutes of (much appreciated) silence in the room, and I can't help but wonder if she told Beck yet.

I'm a damn coward. I know I'm completely worthy of my boyfriend coming in here and yelling at me, but I'm too scared to lose him. And, most of all, I'm ashamed of myself. I always hear these stories of strong, amazing people who have cancer but overcome it. My Aunt Francesca had breast cancer for years when I was younger. Right when they were going to put her in remission, it came back. It got to stage four, but she miraculously got better with time. Although I don't personally care for her – the only time she comes over is on Hanukah when she gets really drunk and calls me Peter Cotton Tail for reasons beyond me – but she still inspires me.

I was only thinking of myself when I put that bottle to my lips. It had been a terrible day for me; nothing particularly bad happened at school or anything like that, but I was so consumed with my thoughts that it made it impossible to concentrate. Beck was as sweet as ever and all my friends were nice enough, but I couldn't stop thinking about death. The thought scared the dickens out of me, it still does. I toiled and toiled over it all day and evening, and I couldn't talk to Beck because he was at work. Mother was being especially evil, so I texted him and said I was coming over.

Once I got there, I watched TV for awhile, but I couldn't stop thinking about the end of my life. I even began eyeing Beck's razor when I was using the bathroom. I had never in my life considered suicide, because I knew I couldn't leave Beck or Cat. During the divorce I got pretty emotional and felt worthless, but taking my life never occurred to me. Until then, in my boyfriend's bathroom.

I thought about the way Beck used to drink, and how he told me that it always made him feel better. I checked his fridge and didn't find anything, but with some snooping I found a half empty vodka bottle. Without even thinking about the inevitable consequences, I took a large swig. The alcohol burned my throat, not that I cared. It was actually a nice feeling. I kept on drinking and before passing out I remember looking at the clock and noticing Beck would've been home soon enough. Before I went unconscious, my last thought was, _Oh shit, he's going to kill me._

Next thing I know, I'm here in this miserable hospital room. The only people I've seen are my parents and Jade, but from what Jade said I know Cat is here somewhere. I wonder if Andre and Tori came; do they really care enough to visit me in the hospital at three AM on a school night?

Doubtful.

Still, the actuality that _Jade_ came is one hell of a surprise. I can't help but consider that maybe I do have friends that care about me, not just Beck and Cat. The realization should be consoling and cheering, but at this moment it just makes me feel so much worse. If the whole gang is here, that just means that I've hurt them, too. I really don't know if I can hold the weight of anyone else's disappointment on my weak, bony shoulders that Beck always says are cute but I know look ugly.

"Robbie, are you even _listening_ to me?" My mother's voice sounds angry and annoyed, though I barely hear her since I'm so wrapped up in my own angst-y thoughts.

"No," I answer honestly. It comes out bitter, but that's okay. I don't really care about her opinion of me at this point.

"Well you better start! I've done everything for you; clothed you, fed you, and paid for your stupid performing arts school. And how do you repay me? You go off and almost get yourself killed by drinking! How am I supposed to believe that you're not some kind of alcoholic? You're never home, so for all I know you could be up all night getting high or drowning yourself in liquor! Is it that boy? Is he the one who made you do this?"

"He's my _boyfriend_, mother. And this has nothing to do with him whatsoever." I counter, feeling my blood pressure rise.

"Stop calling him your boyfriend. I didn't raise you to be a faggot!"

"You didn't raise me at all!" I scream as loud as I possibly can, finally shutting her up for once in her life. "Neither of you have! My whole childhood you both fought, leaving me to fend for myself. Up until I was ten, I thought that's how marriage was supposed to be. But when I went over to Cat's house for the first time, I saw her parents cooking dinner, dancing around the kitchen, actually _happy_ to be in the other's presence. And I know you think I'm a humiliation for being gay, but I love him and he loves me. He loves me more than you ever have, mother." I spit out the last word like it's acid in my mouth.

I expected her to back down and maybe even say that she's sorry, but as usual I'm wrong. "Oh, you love him? Then why don't you want to see him? You _are_ a humiliation, Robbie. Even to the fag out there in the waiting room, you are an utter embarrassment." She's in my face now, staring straight into my eyes. I don't back down.

"For the love of God, I have cancer! I thought that maybe, just maybe, you'd cut me some slack. I thought you would forgive me for something like this and accept the fact that I'm gay and always will be. I figured that you would tell me that you're sorry for not being there enough when I was little, and you would give me a hug, because I have Leukemia and that's a hard thing to go through. Do you even care that I'm dying, mother? Or do you want me to be gone? Why can't you just be normal for once and love me like a regular mom would? You're a bitch!"

She gasps and surprisingly enough, tears come to her eyes. For a split second I think that she's going to say something nice. Once again, I'm wrong. "I won't tolerate being spoken to in the way you just did, so I'm done with you and your gay ass. You're not allowed in my house anymore, I will personally move all of your things into your father's house before you're released in two days. Don't bother trying to contact me again, I won't answer."

"Fine by me," I retort evenly, even though my heart is lurching. Without another word she picks up her purse from a chair, slings it over her shoulder, and stomps out of the room without looking back. I glance at my dad, who is standing stone-faced in a corner of the room. He slowly pulls up a chair and sits next to my bed, and I panic. I just know that he's going to tell me he doesn't want me, either. Who would?

"I'm sorry that I didn't give you much of a childhood, Robert. I hope that you can somehow forgive me, and I would love to have you stay with me. I accept the fact that you're…gay and have a boyfriend, I'm okay with that. I want to help you with this cancer; I know that this must be so hard for you. I love you, Robert."

I swallow hard; I haven't told him about my "no treatment" decision. "Thanks Dad, that means a lot. I forgive you and I'm looking forward to living with you. I love you, too." He smiles at me as he gives me a brisk handshake, which is a little awkward but I know his heart is in the right place.

"Hey, I know that you're probably tired. Do you want me to stay? I can definitely stay if you want me-"

"Dad, don't worry about me. You should go home and sleep, I'm sure you're exhausted." I say, honestly just wanting to be left alone. Dad is gone soon after that, saying he'll be back in the morning.

After an hour of crying, I drift off to sleep.

/

"Mr. Shapiro? You have a visitor." The cranky nurse says as she comes into my room to refill my pain medication. I brighten, hoping that it's Cat. Today is Saturday; the doctors have kept me here longer because they have this theory that I'm suicidal. Am I? I don't know, but I've been going to therapy and it hasn't been helping much. My dad told me that I'm all moved in to his house, which I'm excited for. He also brought me Rex, who has been keeping me company when visiting hours are over.

I texted Beck to tell him that I loved him but I wasn't ready to see him, although I didn't want to break up. He responded with a simple, "I love you too," and I haven't heard from him since. I've been getting worried, but my friends have all assured me that he's fine. They've all been in a couple times with flowers and balloons, and I can't even explain how grateful I am. Cat visits me everyday, bringing homework and usually candy.

"Thanks Lucille, please send them in." I reply politely. She just grunts and leaves the room.

I look down to finish the math problem I started, when I hear my door open. Without lifting my head, I exclaim, "Hey Cat, I was hoping you'd stop by-"

My head snaps up when I hear a slurred, "Rob, nice to s-see 'ya! Why haven't you invited me over?"

Oh God, no.

"Nice place 'ya got here."

Beck's standing in the doorway.

And he's severely drunk.

"B-Beck? What are you doing here?" I ask, utterly horrified. He stumbles over to the chair next to my bed and clumsily plops down.

"You're my boyfriend," he lets out with an intoxicated laugh. I let out a small gasp as he pulls out a flask and guzzles what I assume to be liquor.

"You…You promised me you wouldn't drink again." I murmur quietly, tears coming to my eyes.

"Well, you s-s-said you wouldn't 'til you were twenty one so I th-thought issokay." My heart stops. "Hey, hey, wanna know a sssecret?" Beck inquires drunkenly in a hushed tone. I don't have time to answer before he pulls out the flask again, opens it, and then hands it to me. Unsure of what to do, I take a hesitant whiff of the liquid inside and my eyes widen.

This isn't alcohol; it's water.

I look at my boyfriend and stutter, "W-Why….Huh?"

"It doesn't feel good to have your promises broken, does it?" All of the sudden, Beck doesn't sound drunk anymore. He's sitting sullenly with his arms in his lap, his expression unreadable. He was never drunk, just teaching me a lesson. I don't think I've ever felt like a bigger asshole than I do right now.

"Beck, I'm so sorry. I was just…ashamed."

"When you told me that you didn't want treatment on Monday, I got so mad at you. After that was over, I told myself that I couldn't get angry at you anymore because I had to be focused on getting you well again. And when I found you passed out in my RV, being mad at you was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was for you to be okay, and I didn't even care that you broke your promise to me. I was completely ready to forgive you with open arms, but then Jade told me you didn't want to see me. I felt so hurt, rejected, and pissed off, Robbie. You promised me you wouldn't drink and I almost _lost _you!" By now he's crying freely and so am I.

"Beck, I'm sorry. I'd already humiliated myself and I didn't want you to break up with me. I was scared." I whimper, feeling my chest ready to collapse. Panicking, I add, "I love you."

When he doesn't say anything, I become even more anxious. "Beck, _I love you_." The words come out so desperate and pathetic, my voice breaks in mid-sentence.

Thankfully, he takes my hand and interlocks my fingers with his. Quietly, he mutters, "I love you, too, but I'm not ready to forgive you yet." With a hard squeeze of my hand, he gets up. Beck sniffles then wipes his nose with the back of his hand. "I'm not breaking up with you, please don't think that. I love you more than anything in the world and I'm not about to let you go. It's just going to take time for me to forgive you but I promise I will eventually. I'll see you tomorrow." And with that, he walks out the door.

I sit alone in a very confused state for a long time, thinking. Beck is the most important thing in my life, and I know losing me would wreck him. He's mine and I'm his, we've already become closer than two people can; mentally, physically, and emotionally. I hate myself for making him cry even one tear, because he deserves to always be happy. Really, he could have anyone he wants because he's Beck Oliver, but he chose me. I shouldn't be breaking promises and nearly killing myself, he doesn't deserve that. I mull over all of this for a long time before coming to a resolution. My face breaks out into a big grin as I let out a small, relieved laugh.

I'm going to get cancer treatment.

**So this was a sad chapter, but it had a pretty good ending, right? I really hope that I wrote Robbie well enough, I've never done it before. I'm glad I did this chapter like this because we got to look into Robbie's problems with his mom and I really think that that's important. **

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	7. You'll Find Us Chasing The Sun

** Hello everyone. Remember when I told you I wouldn't be able to update? Yeah, I wasn't lying. The play went extremely well and I had a blast those two weeks, but I missed you all! This chapter is extremely short – only two thousand words. I know you guys deserve better, but I still have some research to do about Chemotherapy and cancer treatment which I would need knowledge of to make this chapter any longer. I should be getting back into the swing of things now, hopefully. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter!**

** Mylover13: I'm glad you like the story so much! Thanks for your kind words :)**

** starryeyeddaydreamer9: Thanks, I know it's pretty sad but this chapter is happier, I promise!**

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** Disclaimer: No, I don't own this show. Sorry to disappoint you.**

It hurts how much I want to forgive him.

I have seen Robbie everyday since my whole fake drinking stunt, but it hasn't been the same. He put a huge strain on our relationship by breaking his promise and then refusing to see me. I know that he's sorry that he did it and I completely understand, but it's not like things are just going to go back to normal instantly. I still have fallen asleep crying a couple of nights because I get so paranoid by the thought of us having anymore extreme problems and Robbie shutting me out again.

He went home on Sunday, which was yesterday. I saw his Dad's house for the second time and Robbie and I actually hung out in his living room. The apartment is small but comfortable, which makes sense because only two people live there now. Rob's started to carry around Rex once again, killing any progress we've made about that issue. I comprehend that the puppet is his security blanket, and it's reasonable that he would need some security now of all times, but the question is: _why_ is having the dummy around so comforting to him?

Anyway, Robbie actually has been acting differently than I figured he would. In fact, I think he's hiding something. During certain pauses in our conversations, my boyfriend will randomly open his mouth and say some variation of, "I need to talk to you," but then he says never mind. I don't push him because, honestly, I'm scared. I don't think he realizes the power he has over me. If I find out that one more bad thing has happened, I don't know if I'll be able to keep myself together.

Today is the first day Robbie's back at school, and I can tell he's hurting – more emotionally than physically. Everyone knows about the alcohol poisoning; I'm not sure how the information got out, but I guess it doesn't really matter now since the whole school is talking about it. All morning several people have confronted Robbie about it. Some are nicer than others; a few people ask if he's okay but mostly they all ask if it's true or they say they didn't know he had the balls to actually drink. I can tell that hurts his feelings the most because everyone questions his manhood as it is. (We had sex last night for the second time and trust me; Rob's manhood is definitely there.)

Right now it's fifth period, the first after lunch, and I can't bring myself to pay attention. This is the first class I've had today without the frizzy haired boy and I have to wonder if he's doing alright. Is anyone picking on him? Is he getting made fun of? Is he okay physically? I haven't gotten any sleep these past few nights, either, so that isn't really helping my focusing problem. I look around the classroom and see Cat chewing on her hair, Sinjin not-so-sneakily eating the tissues from the counter close to his desk, and Tori writing notes furiously.

Robbie is in Set Design III right now hopefully not getting harassed, and I want to send him a text so badly, but I don't want him to get the idea that I'm smothering him. I finally decide to text Jade, who shares the class with him. I'm in the back of the room so I don't really bother hiding my phone. I send her a quick message that says, "How is Robbie? Is anyone bothering him? Are you bothering him? Does he look upset?"

Surprisingly, she responds pretty fast. "_Relax, princess, he's fine. I'm not bothering him…anymore than I usually do. Your little girlfriend is okay so you can take a freaking breath and stop obsessing. Oh, and I'm good too, thanks for asking_." Even though I roll my eyes, I'm still relieved he's alright. It really sucks because along with this shit, I have to deal with worrying about the cancer, too.

I hear Mr. Gronefeld's small, mousy voice droning on and on, which gives me freedom to let my thoughts drift away. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, slowly calming myself down. I glance at the clock and see that there's only fifteen minutes left of the period and since it's so late in the hour I know Gronefeld won't assign homework. I use this precious time to do something that I haven't even considered doing since this all began; I allow myself to feel self-centered.

Why is this happening to me? I've always considered myself a good person; I get fairly good grades, I'm polite, and I go out of my way to be a first-class citizen. My life went from being perfect, no problems whatsoever, to this nightmarish hell that I just don't know how to handle. To start it all out, Robbie got Leukemia. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he declared with certainty that he didn't want treatment. Then, I found him passed out from alcohol poisoning in my RV after he promised me he wouldn't drink, at least not for the time being. After that, he shut me out like I had no right to see my boyfriend who almost died.

That leaves us here, in this horrid situation, gasping for air.

I jump when the bell sounds. Tori shoots me a sympathetic look but doesn't say anything, which is fine by me. I don't need anyone trying to make me feel better, especially not now. I take a few seconds to collect myself as everyone clears out of the classroom. I look around the emptying room and see a certain tiny redhead making her way towards me, looking nervous.

I try and convince myself to be in a better mood as she approaches. "Cat," I greet with a smile, "What's up?" Cat doesn't say anything as she sticks her hand in her shirt. At first, I'm bewildered. Then, I see what she's doing. She pulls my right wrist so my hand is out in front of her and then extends my fingers. The cute girl gives me an understanding, un-Cat like smile as she drops a piece of candy in my hand. With that, she exits the room in what looks almost like a skip.

I stare at the small object in my hand and grin; it's a Neatie, my favorite. I unwrap it and pop it into my mouth, savoring the sweet taffy taste. Since school is over now, I take my time as I get to my locker. (Basically, we're on a block schedule at Hollywood Arts. Meaning, we only have five periods a day. First and fifth stay the same everyday and are only fifty minutes, whereas second, third, and fourth hours are different each day and are ninety minutes.) I gather up all my homework that I didn't do Friday and still need to do tonight. While I'm doing that, Robbie walks up to my locker shyly.

"Hi," he mutters with a tiny smile on his face. It's almost like he's scared of something, but what? Is it me? I hope to God that he's not afraid of me, that is definitely the last thing I want.

"Hey babe!" I exclaim enthusiastically, hoping to cheer him up. I kiss him quickly on the lips and resume putting textbooks into my bag. "So, the boss let me take a day off from work today considering…the circumstances. Want to go out to eat or rent some movies? We haven't had a date night in awhile; I thought it'd be fun. What do you say?"

Rob looks at the ground, a worried, almost anxious look beholding his gorgeous face. He's holding Rex in his arms as he squeezes him tight, hugging the puppet close to his chest. My heart breaks a little because of how insecure he looks. We had made so much progress – I'd gotten Robbie to admit that he's not a loser and that he isn't ugly. Now, seeing him standing like this, looking so unsure of himself, it kills me. He looks around the empty hallway, his eyes darting everywhere but me. What's going on?

"I-I can't." He answers, biting his lip. I panic internally – what if he wants to break up? I've tried to make it clear that breaking up is the last thing I want to do, but what if he doesn't want me anymore? What if that act I pulled at the hospital really pissed him off? What if I lose him?

I try to remain calm in my voice, hoping I don't sound as frantic as I feel as I say, "Oh. Okay. Why not?" Tears begin to well up in my eyes, sheer fear taking over my whole body. I tell myself that I'm overreacting; his father probably just wants him to have dinner at home or he has homework to catch up on. But with the way he's been acting these past few days, I know he's hiding something from me. I just can't help but assume that it's something bad.

Robbie's face breaks into a wide grin, which confuses me. "I have an appointment for Chemotherapy."

In a split second, I'm embracing Robbie like nothing else matters in the world. He drops Rex to the ground, where the puppet belongs, in my opinion. Robbie clutches my body closer to his, laughing with what I'm sure is relief. Tears of pure joy fall down my cheeks as I mutter, "You're going to be okay now, Robbie. You're going to get better. I love you, I love you so much."

In this moment, this glorious, beautiful, liberating moment, everything is alright with the world again. Everything else that's been going on with us lately will be okay; that will all get fixed with time. But without cancer treatment, Robbie would _not _get better with time, only worse. I know in my heart, now, that he will be okay. Plans of our future bloom back into my mind just as they did before this happened. I don't see coffins and death, only happiness and love.

My world might have fallen down, but I can already feel it slowly building back up.

**That last sentence kind of makes the story feel like it's ending, but I promise it's not! I still have a long way to go with this, don't give up on me yet. I just wanted to take this time to thank every single one of you. You all mean the world to me and I'm so lucky to have found such a great community to belong to. You guys make me feel so happy with every favorite, ever follow, every review.**

** Sorry for the sappiness.**

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	8. All Of The People With Nothing To Do

**Hey guys! I got five reviews for last chapter, which is awesome. Keep 'em coming. I'm not sure how you guys are going to feel about this chapter because of how short it is and the new conflict that is introduced. Originally this was going to just be another filler but I already have enough of those so I decided to make the plot more interesting. I'd love to know your thoughts!**

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**Disclaimer****: I don't own Victorious, but I wish I owned Matt Bennett…**

"My chest is _burning_, Beck!" Robbie screams as he clutches a pillow to his upper body. He buries his face into my lap, where his head is resting as we sit on his living room couch. I run my hand through his dark, thick curls, thinking over and over how it'll be gone soon.

"I know baby, I'm so sorry." I try to sooth miserably. I can't stand seeing him in so much pain and not being able to fix it, it really breaks my heart.

"H-Help me!" He wails, tears streaming down his cheeks. I've never felt this helpless in my whole life; I want so desperately to make Robbie feel better, but I just can't. I can't make the cancer go away, I can't make his agony end, and I can't make the Chemo stop. I can't do anything.

"I wish I could Robbie," I whimper quietly. His only response is a loud scream of suffering, which sends his father sprinting into the room. Mr. Shapiro's eyes are bloodshot and he looks incredibly tired; he's been up pretty much ever since Robbie came back from his treatment two days ago. He's really trying to be the best dad he can, which I think is great. He has to start somewhere.

Rob has been taking the treatment pretty hard. He's been hydrated and eating right, but he gets awful indigestion, chest pain, and fatigue. The doctors assured us that it shouldn't last more than a week and he should be better by then. I'm praying for that day, because seeing him this hurt is tearing me apart. I haven't cried in front of him, I refuse to. I have to be strong for him; I have to be his rock. That doesn't mean I can't fall apart the second I get into my car, though.

I didn't think Chemotherapy would be this bad. Neither did Robbie, for that matter. I wanted to come with him for the treatment but he told me that it was just going to be boring and afterward he would just go home and sleep, which was exactly what happened. At the crack of dawn the next day, Tuesday, I was on Robbie's doorstep knocking furiously. His father came to the door, looking tired. He didn't say anything, just let me in. Rob was sprawled on the couch, his hand clutching his chest.

He said it wasn't an awful pain, just a little worse than heartburn. I wanted to ditch school and stay with him, but he refused. He told me that I needed to save up days to miss in case anything bad happened, which scared the hell out of me. I was jittery the whole day, downing five cups of coffee to stay awake. I went to work, too, because Robbie told me I needed to. I talked to my boss yesterday, however, and he told me that I can just cut my shift in half for awhile. It really sucks, but it's better than no job at all. Oh well, I'd do anything for my astounding boyfriend.

"Robbie?" Mr. Shapiro asks frantically. "Are you okay?"

"It hurts a lot, Dad." Robbie moans, sitting up. I hand him his water bottle and he takes a few swallows from it when I urge him to drink more. He sips on it for awhile as his dad dashes to the kitchen, saying he's going to make us dinner. Its 7:30 and I just got back from work a little while ago. The whole time I've been here Robbie hasn't said much; as soon as I walked in the door and saw him sitting on the couch, he extended his arms out for me to hold him. He's been groaning and sobbing in my arms ever since.

After we eat a delicious dinner of homemade macaroni and grilled chicken, Robbie sleepily tells us that he wants to go to bed even though it's only eight o'clock. I go upstairs and lay with him until he falls asleep, and I stay a few extra minutes just to look at him. He's looks so peaceful and unscathed when he's sleeping and right now it's the only time he's not hurting. Eventually, I creep out of his room to go home. Knowing how sleepy Robbie's been lately, I can assume that he'll sleep through the whole night. So, there's really no use in me staying here when I can't help him any.

I make my way down the stairs when I see Robbie's dad sitting on the recliner staring blankly at the small television set. "Mr. Shapiro," I pipe up quietly. He turns his head to me and gives me a weary smile. "I just wanted to thank you for being so attentive to Robbie throughout this and accepting our relationship. It really means a lot, sir. He's happy to have you back in his life."

"Thank you, Beck. I'm glad that he's with you and I can tell you make him very happy even under this situation. Although, if you don't mind me asking, what are your…intentions with Robert?" Mr. Shapiro asks nervously. I almost smirk on account of how cliché this is, but I decide against it. I understand that he just got Robbie back into his life and he just wants the best for him. The last thing his son needs is a bad break up, but of course that would never happen.

"I intend to stick by him every step of the way, sir. I promise you I won't break his heart, you have nothing to worry about." I explain politely as Robbie's dad's face breaks into a relieved expression. "Well, I better get going. Thanks so much for dinner; it was wonderful. Tell Robbie I'll see him tomorrow. See you then, Mr. Shapiro." I say as I make my way to the door, slipping on my shoes.

"Will do, and no problem," he says with a smile. I open the door and am about to take off when he stops me. "And oh, please call me John." I grin at him and wave as I walk out the door.

/

Two days later, on Friday, I'm sitting at lunch with the whole gang discussing the importance of worms when my phone rings. I see it's an unknown number but I answer it anyway, just in case. "Hello?"

"_Beck? It's John Shapiro._" My heart rate immediately speeds up and my mind goes straight to the worst case scenario.

"Oh, hello sir," I say anxiously, biting my thumbnail worriedly.

"_I'm sorry to bother you at school but I just thought you'd be happy to know that Robert is feeling much better. He actually feels back to his normal self and he should be returning to school on Monday._" John says with a smile in his voice. My heart swells with joy as I laugh a little bit.

"Well that's really great. I'm so glad you called. The bells about to ring so I'll see you both after I work, I'm looking forward to it. Bye, John." I hang up and smile widely to myself when I notice everyone is staring at me. "Robbie's okay again!" I exclaim happily, savoring the moment.

Cat squeals and throws her arms around Jade, who pushes her away. The redhead looks hurt for a split second, but then she makes her way around the table and hugs all of us. Tori and Andre are grinning from ear to ear and Jade even beholds a very small smile. It goes unnoticed by the rest of the group, but since I dated her I had to be able to find those little smiles or else I would've thought she was never happy. Her and Robbie have never really been friends, but I know that she would care if anything bad happened to him. She's not all stone.

We all ease into a happy conversation about Thanksgiving break, which is coming up soon. About halfway through lunch, I get tapped on the shoulder. I turn around to see Lane standing behind me with an almost sad smile on his face. "Uh, hey, Lane." I greet apprehensively. "What's up?"

"I'm going to need you to come with me; don't worry, you're not in trouble."

I frown. What in the heck is going on? It can't be about Robbie because not five minutes ago I got that call saying that he's fine, so at least I know it's nothing about that. "Sure," I say, standing up and following him inside the school building. I give a small wave to my friends, who all look about as confused as I feel.

Lane leads me down the main hallway until we get to where my locker is, and suddenly it all makes sense. My usually transparent locker has been written on with what looks like permanent marker, reading, "Cancer loving homo FAG!" My jaw drops all the way to the floor as I rub my eyes to make sure that it's really there, and it is definitely there. This doesn't make any sense; Robbie and I have been together for almost seven months and we have never once been bullied by anyone.

"Do you have any idea who would do this to you?" Lane asks gently, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"No, no one ever seemed to have a problem with it." I answer bewilderedly, running a hand through my hair.

"Do you think you recognize the handwriting?"

I stare at the hateful, disgusting words and think that maybe I have seen it before, but I can't place it. I tell Lane this and he nods understandingly. He takes a few pictures and tells me that the janitor is going to clean it up right away. (That's why he took the pictures, for evidence.) The bell for fifth period rings and Lane tells me to go ahead and go, there's nothing else I can do.

I walk into American Literature and everyone falls silent. I look around and decide they must've seen the graffiti, but there's nothing I can do about that so I make my way to my seat. "Freak," I hear someone stage whisper. I turn around but I can't really tell who said it so I keep walking, trying not to let it affect me. "Faggot," someone else says, but louder. Okay, I can handle that. Most gay guys have to go through this sometime in their lives, right? I can't let these stupid kids get the better of me; I need to just get to my seat-

"Baldy-lover!" Someone shouts from the front of the room.

Anger floods through my body as I turn around and yell, "Hey, you shut the fuck up about Robbie!" The room is silent for a few seconds until Mr. Gronefeld darts in.

"What is going on in here?" He asks, his eyebrows knit together. I walk straight out of the room, pushing him out of my way when he tries to stop me. I run all the way out to my car, where I burst into angry tears. I slam my fists on the steering wheel, making my hands hurt, but I couldn't care less.

Why can't I just be happy without something messing it up?

**Yay for conflict! I really hope you all liked this chapter and again, my apologies for shortness. (That's what he said.) Well that's about all I've got to say, except to review.**


	9. Nobody Knows She Cries Herself to Sleep

**I love you guys. Like for real, I want to marry all of you. Right now.**

** Anyway, I'm getting awesome feedback from you all and I'm glad you're liking the story, thank you so much :)**

** CatlovesBB/Guest: You are so sweet! I love your reviews, you're awesome :D And you really think I deserve Matt Bennett? Gosh, that is quite a complement haha. Maybe I'll call Dan Schneider and ask.**

** Mylover13: Yay! Glad you liked it :)**

** Degrassi Nonsense: I know, I thought maybe it was a bit much for people to make fun of Robbie's cancer, but kids can be mean. I'm sure it's happened before, sadly. Anyway, thanks for your nice review :D**

** Disclaimer: I don't own this show or Matt Bennett...Yet.**

"I don't understand," Robbie mutters quietly, tears in his eyes. He sniffles then crosses his arms over his chest. We're sitting on his living room floor curled up with a blanket as we watch a movie, except we aren't really paying all that much attention. I don't even know what the title is. Robbie has my phone in his hand, staring at it with what looks like confusion. On the screen is a picture Lane emailed to me of the vandalism, which took place only hours ago.

I told Robbie right away because I figured he deserves to know from me and not someone at school. I haven't been here that long, but I can tell my boyfriend has gotten a little stir crazy over that last few days. Not that I can blame him; he hasn't seen anybody but me since he got Chemo because of how sick he was. We're all planning on getting together at Tori's house sometime tomorrow, though, Robbie included. I think we're just going to have pizza and watch some movies, just what he needs.

I can't put into words how badly I feel for Robbie, because he really doesn't deserve any of this. He gets cancer, drinks himself almost to death, gets Chemo and has a bad time with it, and now on top of it all, he has to deal with bullying as well. I mean, I understand why someone would want to hurt us because of our orientations, but why in the hell are they making fun of him having Leukemia? That's so sick and twisted that I can barely believe it; I'm still waiting for someone to pop out and tell me it was all a sick prank.

"It's awful, Robbie. I'm sorry this is happening." I tell him pathetically as I bury my face in my hands. "And the really annoying thing is that I recognize the handwriting but I just can't place it, and that's driving me crazy. I feel like this horrible person is right under my nose."

Robbie's eyes shift around the room uncomfortably as he stutters, "Uh, yeah...I d-don't get it." Something about his tone makes me unsettled, but I don't question it. I'm sure he's just really shaken up about it, the poor thing. He says that he wants to just quit talking about it, which I'm all for. I just have to try and put this out of my head until Monday, when I'll have to face school.

After two board games and a movie later, I find myself driving home. It's only ten thirty, but Robbie was tired and I knew it's best for him to get plenty of rest now. I plan on the rest of the night being spent by the internet and maybe some audition practicing, if I'm lucky. I haven't really had the time to find an agent these days but I've definitely been looking into it. Everything's been so crazy that I haven't even been thinking about my career and where it's going, but honestly Robbie is more important that that and always will be.

He's more important that everything.

When I pull up to the house, I see an unfamiliar car in my parent's driveway. It's dark, so I have to get out and take a good look at it to realize who this vehicle belongs to. I bolt up the drive as quick as I can, slightly annoyed and very confused. I push through the front door and step into the foyer, catching an air of light laughter that belongs to my mother. I hurriedly take me shoes off – house rule – and as I do, I see a ridiculously tall pair of heels that I know don't belong.

I hastily walk into the living room where my suspicion is confirmed; Trina Vega is sitting on the sofa next to my mom, eating a chocolate chip cookie. "Trina?" I ask, noticing that it sounds unintentionally rude. I just have a bad feeling that she's here to make fun of me and Robbie just like everyone else, because why else would she be here?

"Hi sweetie," Mom says cheerily, standing from the couch, "I was just about to call you. You have a visitor – well, I guess you can see that."

Trina smiles and gives a small wave, looking suspiciously...nice. Her face is contorted into an expression that's friendly and caring, instead of the usual arrogant, bratty one she always wears. "Hi!" She greets enthusiastically, standing as well. "I was wondering if we could talk...in private."

"Uh, sure," I sputter, baffled. "We can go out to the RV if you, uh, want." I say, my mind still extremely muddled.

Mom scurries into the kitchen and brings back a whole plate of chocolate cookies, telling us to help ourselves. Trina thanks her kindly for letting her over, which again confuses me, and Mom looks grateful. We're almost out the door when she calls my name. She walks up to me and wraps her arms around me in a tight, loving hug as she murmurs, "You can come around more often if you want, you know."

"I know, Mom," I say with a smile, "I'll be sure to do that."

Trina and I walk back to the RV in total, awkward silence. When we get inside, I notice that she seems fidgety and nervous, making me want to know why she's here even more. "So, what's up?" I ask as I walk to the fridge, opening up a can of soda and offering her one, which she declines.

"I just...I felt really bad about the stuff that person wrote on your locker, Tori told me about it. Everyone's been talking about it on The Slap and saying not very nice things, and I guess I just feel bad." Trina says timidly, but she's not a very good actress. I can tell she's up to something.

"Oh come on, Trina, I know you." I declare with a smirk on my face. "What do you want?"

The expression on the tan girls face breaks into irritation as she rolls her eyes. Of course, I was right. "I need your help," she mumbles as though she doesn't want to admit it.

"What?" I question loudly in mock-surprise. "You're telling me that _the_ Trina Vega is asking for help? Stop the presses!" Trina's face breaks out into a wide smile.

"Yes, I know it's really hard to believe because I'm so fabulous, but it's true!" Believe it or not, she isn't being sarcastic.

I groan. "What do you want?"

"Well, it's not really so much that I need your help but I guess I just want to...vent." Trina starts, inhaling deeply. I nod at her to continue. "These past few months I've noticed that my parents don't really want me. I mean, I'm in college now and on the right track to becoming an amazing singer slash songwriter slash actress slash comedian slash–"

"Trina!" I exclaim, annoyed. She glares at me, but only for a second as she gets wrapped up in her problem again.

"Anyway, all they ever care about is Tori. I mean, I got into the chorus of one of Cedar Crest's plays and that's, like, _really_ hard!" I suddenly feel a pang of sympathy for Trina; Cedar Crest is a community college in a small town right out of LA, and its theater department is pretty much a joke. Basically anyone could walk in off the street and instantly get a lead, but the fact that Trina only made ensemble is really sad.

"Well, Mom isn't interested in anything about me; when I come home on the weekends, she is gone most of the time. She leaves the minute I get home and I'm sure she comes back as soon as I leave. Dad was so disappointed when I told him I was staying in California instead of going out of state. How sick is that? He doesn't want to be even in the same state as his own daughter. And Tori she...she's Tori. Everyone loves her and thinks she can do no wrong, but sometimes it's okay to let someone else have the spotlight for once. I'm just really fed up with all of them and I can hardly take the thought of visiting a home where I'm not wanted."

"Trina, I'm so sorry–" I begin sympathetically, my heart lurching.

"And at school, I don't even have anyone to live with. All of my roommates in the dorm request someone else because they've all had a problem with me. The first semester isn't even over and I already had to get a single dorm room. You know, if it was Tori going there, everyone would want to room with her. Guys would ask her out, girls would be jealous of her, and she'd get the leads in all the plays. But of course she won't ever have to worry about going to _community_ college because she's going to be a big popstar, and I bet during her Grammy speech she's not even going to mention her...her only s-sister."

After that, Trina bursts into tears. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd see her cry about anything but a broken nail, and now I feel horrible for how I treated her in the past. Sometime last year, I had kissed Trina (with Robbie's permission) because of the rumors that she'd spread around school saying that she turned me straight. I lied to her and said that she really had turned me straight and showed up at her house with Andre and Robbie, making a big spectacle about how we each wanted her for ourselves. When she got her dad, we all acted like it never happened, which made her seem crazy.

God, I feel like such an ass.

I grab a nearby tissue box and hand it to her. She blows her nose, then takes another and blots her red, mascara smeared eyes. Trina excuses herself to go to the bathroom, leaving me in a astonished state. I guess I never even thought that there was more to Trina than meets the eye, and I thought that when we did all that mean stuff to her she deserved it. I figured that when Tori got something and she didn't, the older sister didn't care because she was so absorbed in herself.

I always knew Trina wanted attention, but now I understand why. Since her parents don't give her the time of the day, she has to draw attention to herself somehow. That's why she acts so conceited and would try to outshine everyone else, because she knew that bad attention was better than no attention. Tori's one of my great friends, but even I have to admit that she does get _everything_. She always gets leads and solos in concerts, leaving all the other girls behind. Hell, even extremely talented little Cat hasn't gotten a lead in over two years.

Trina comes out of the bathroom, her face completely void of makeup. I'm actually stunned; I've never seen her without all the sparkly, dramatic makeup that she always has on. Here, I see a naturally beautiful, sad girl who has been ignored her whole life. She has dark, big eyes that I suddenly can tell have cried too many tears. Seeing her like this, I know for sure that there's a sweet girl buried inside her trying to get out. Being rude and egotistical is easier, though, but I wish Trina would let her out.

The brunette grabs her purse, which is sitting on the floor next to my bed. She sniffles a couple of times, then says, "Uh, thanks Beck. I really appreciate you listening to me rant."

"No problem," I answer, smiling. "I'm really sorry all of that is happening, but you can talk to me anytime."

She grins back at me, then gives me a big hug. It only lasts for a couple seconds because pulls away speedily, her expression back to the usual Trina. "I'll be sure to thank you in my Tony acceptance speech!" I can't help but roll my eyes as she goes to open the door, but then stops and turns back to me. "I really am sorry about the stuff people are saying, you don't deserve it."

Before I can thank her, she winks then leaves the RV. After she's gone I try to occupy myself with learning lines, but I can't get what she told me out of my head. Everyone treats her so badly but we never stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, she's really just pretending to be the way she is. And when I say everyone is mean to her, I do mean everyone. Even Cat and Robbie, who are probably two nicest people I know have said some pretty awful things.

Even though I feel guilty, I also feel good that she trusted me enough to tell me all of that. From now on, I'm going to stick up for Trina when someone says something bad about her. Matter of fact, I'm going to try and stick up for _anyone_ when they get bullied. Because now I'm on the other end of it, and it doesn't feel good at all. All day long my stomach has been twisting with anger and sadness, making me feel even worse about all the stuff that's been going on.

Nobody deserves this.

**So, yeah, I was going to reveal who wrote that on the locker, but I decided that I wanted to write this instead. There isn't much Reck in this chapter, my apologies. I know the Trina thing might've seemed random, but I like writing her because I just know there's more there than meets the eye.**

** Anyway, I would just love if you reviewed, please and thank you!**

** SHAMLESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: So, you may or may not have noticed that I wrote two oneshots this week. One of them is Cade (_Breaking Barricades_) and the other is about everyone (_Addictions_). Please, please, please check them out, I'd be so grateful. Addictions already has 10 reviews, which is so amazing. I can't even describe how happy that makes me, you guys are so amazing.**

** Yeah, check 'em out :) **


	10. Even God Himself Couldn't Blame Her Now

**So, I've kind of noticed that this story isn't nearly as popular as some of my others, which I find very interesting. I'm definitely not complaining, I just wonder why. Maybe it's because of the pairing I'm writing? I know for a fact that there aren't many Reck stories on here, so maybe that's it. Hmm. I just think it's interesting, is all.**

** On that note, you guys are all awesome! You're reviews are so nice and I love each of you, keep it all coming :)**

** trypophobica: Yeah, she's fine now. Yayyyyyyy I may have possibly made you a Reck fan! I hope you like it on the dark side. Haha, I'm sorry I haven't replied to your messages or reviews, man, but I've been on vacation. In Kansas. Sooooooo fun ;)**

** CatlovesBB: Your reviews were so sweet, thanks a bunch for taking the time to read and review my stories, it means a lot! I love you, you're always so nice and you review every chapter :D And I'm hoping that before Victorious ends (which will be soon D:) Dan will get some character development in for Trina. I'm glad you liked that chapter, remember that you're awesome :)**

** DoubleBubble249: Thank ya very much! :D**

**REMEMBER: THIS CHAPTER IS IN ROBBIE'S POINT OF VIEW! I told you all that it would be Robbie's chapter ever four chapters, so here it is. Hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Er mah gerd, I wish I owned this show so it wouldn't be cancelled :(**

* * *

I'm probably the most pitiful person who has ever lived.

Ever since I was little, I'd heard all these inspiring stories of strong people who found out they had cancer and didn't let it get them down. They all would get as many treatments as possible, then go out and do all the amazing things they'd never done before. These people would go rock climbing, parasailing, skydiving, and anything else that was on their bucket lists'. More than anything, I wish I could be like them. I want with all my heart to be an encouraging story that gets told at charity events and things like that, but I won't.

I'm too busy wallowing around my house in self pity, praying that this cancer will somehow go away. Instead of hoping for the best and being optimistic, I'm focusing on death, hair loss, and bullying. Well, sure, those are all really crappy things to go through. However, I should be able to look at the bigger picture through it all, thinking of conquering cancer and being a good person and living my life to the fullest. Right now, I should be grateful that I'm still alive, since they caught the cancer kind of late.

Of course, only I could mess sanguinity up.

It's Sunday morning and I'm lounging around in my room, staring at the ceiling that beholds an old Beatles poster from my dad's childhood. After a few poker games at Tori's house, I got home at around three in the morning. I would've stayed in Beck's RV, but he had to get up early today to take an extra shift at work, and I wouldn't want to be a burden. Anyway, after I got home, I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. I probably got one or two hours max, waking up at around seven thirty. Now, it is two hours later and I'm bored out of my mind.

I finally decide to get up out of bed and go to the living room, where I see Dad's left for work. He has started taking on extra shifts at work since he has to support me and all my damn problems now, which I feel awful about. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll go out and look for a job or something to help out. Even though he won't say it, I know Dad is struggling to get all of his hours done, but I think I could probably find someway to help.

I turn on the TV and search through the limited channels, finally landing on the movie _My Sister's Keeper_. It's so ironic that I almost turn the TV off, but I decide against it. I read the book back in ninth grade and loved it, but I never wanted to watch the movie because everyone told me that the ending, my favorite part, was completely different from the book. Curious, I begin watching the movie, finding it to be pretty good. The two sisters both do good jobs, but I happen to think Cameron Diaz isn't a very good actress.

I'm so deep in thought about acting methods that I jump when the doorbell sounds. Right now, I'm not exactly in the mood to see anyone, so I decide to just let whoever it is come to their own conclusion that I'm not home. However, when the bell keeps ringing and ringing, I force myself to get up and answer the door. Before opening the door, I try and compose myself enough to seem friendly, but I don't think it works very well. Even so, I open the door and my mouth hangs open.

There, standing in my doorway, is none other than Jade West. I wonder immediately why in the world she would come and see me on a Sunday morning when she could be tormenting kids or whatever the hell she does with her weekends. She looks pretty normal; a black blouse and skinny jeans as well as combat boots, her face beholding her famous bored look. "Uh, hey Jade." I murmur, biting my lip.

"Hey," she says coolly, as if she comes here all the time. A long moment passes where I look around uncomfortably and she rolls her eyes repeatedly. Bluntly, the pale girl asks, "So, are you going to invite me in or do are we just going to stand outside looking like dipshits?"

"Oh, um, sure. Come on in." I say stupidly.

Jade smirks at me and walks right inside, plopping right down on the sofa, then she yawns. "Wow," she cries bitterly, "a really shitty place you got here." When I first met Jade, I would get really offended at her snide, frank remarks. As the years have passed, however, I've found out that anyone who hangs around her has to get used to her unpleasantness. That being said, I'm not surprised when she makes fun of the way the apartment looks. (It really isn't much, but it's enough for me. The whole thing is actually set up kind of weird; there's only two bedrooms but there both upstairs. I find it kind of odd that a place so small even has a second level, but it does.)

Anyway, since I've known her ever since freshman year, I know that with Jade, it's best to get right to the point. I'm sure that she wants something from me; I'm just not sure what. "Yeah, yeah, it's awful. What are you doing here?" I honestly don't expect the rude tone of voice that comes out of my mouth, and I don't think she does either. Jade's eyebrows raise and her facial expression changes from bemused to kind of surprised.

"Well," she utters, taking a deep breath. "My dog died."

Whoa, I never would have guessed that.

I swallow hard, unsure of what to say. What my genius, sympathetic brain comes up with is, "Oh. I'm really sorry."

Jade shrugs, as if it doesn't matter. "He kept fighting with my father's wife's little annoying Chihuahua, so she decided that while I gone at a meeting with my agent, she would take him to the vet and have him put to sleep." I see something in her eyes that I've never seen before, but I can't quite place it. I realize that I've been standing this whole time, so I cautiously take a seat next to her.

"Wow, that's horrible. She must be a real jerk." I say softly.

Jade snorts. "God, Robbie, we aren't in elementary school anymore; you aren't going to get in trouble if you say the word bitch."

I nod, feeling a slight pang in my chest. Only around two weeks ago, that was what I was calling my own mother. "I don't know what I'd do if someone did that to me, it must've really hurt."

"Yeah, well, that's life, I guess," she utters, almost sounding…broken. Jade smiles, but it's different than usual; instead of her usual sarcastic, rude smile, it's filled with bittersweet heartache, I can just tell.

"Jade," I murmur quietly, "you can talk to me. I know you feel like there's more to it than that. I'm your friend; I want to help you."

She looks at me unsurely, her guard down. Jade seems to be considering for a couple moments, then she delves right in, "He was the last thing on this Earth that needed me and now he's gone. Sure, I have friends, but do any of you really need me? Tori's life would be better off without me ragging on her all the time, you and Cat are scared of me, Andre doesn't talk to me much, and Beck, well…Beck has the right to hate me. When I broke up with him, he got into all that alcohol shit and it hurt him. I'm surprised he even talks to me anymore, with all I've put him through.

I didn't expect her to open up to me so easily, but I'm definitely glad that she trusts me. Now, I know that there really is a person under all the sarcasm and resentment that is Jade West, but I'm willing to break that person out. "Beck does not hate you and it's his own fault for doing that to himself; he wasn't forced to drink and he's a grown guy, meaning he should know what's right and wrong. He doesn't resent you for the breakup either, Jade, and I know that for a fact."

"You know, I always kind of knew that Beck and I would never work out in the end. There was always something about our relationship that just never added up, you know? We were just too different and as many times as I told myself it would end in marriage, I couldn't help but feel like it wouldn't work. God, I was so possessive back then. I hate having things taken away from me, so I was always afraid a prettier or skinnier girl would come along and take him away from me. When it started coming to an end, I began to notice that Beck wasn't overprotective of me at all. If a guy hit on me, Beck didn't care. He wouldn't even say anything, period."

I'm actually kind of speechless; I had no idea Jade could feel remorse or guilt, honestly. I know that sounds awful, but even Cat, the nicest girl in the world, has admitted that Jade is just plain…mean. But now, sitting on my couch listening to her spill her heart out, I can tell that we were all wrong. "That it wasn't just your fault if Beck didn't pay enough attention to you, though. True, you were pretty jealous which can certainly hurt a relationship, but not getting noticed enough is just as bad. Look, I know everybody builds Beck up to be some kind of god, but in reality, he makes mistakes, too." _Like dating me_, I think sullenly to myself.

Jade's eyes look up from the floor, where they've been glued this whole conversation, and the dark haired girl looks at me. Her normally blue-green eyes look almost gray with the makeup she's wearing and the lighting, and with the expression on her face she actually looks childlike. She's really beautiful. "It doesn't matter anymore, though. I'm glad we broke up since it wasn't going anywhere, but I do wish it would've ended better. Seriously, don't worry about that; it's fine." I give her a skeptical look which prompts her to say, "I'm really okay, Robbie." I don't think she's ever called me by my actual name before, so I'm stunned for a few seconds.

After that, I nod and try to believe her, which doesn't work out very well, so I decide to change the subject. "What was his name?" I ask, causing her to raise an eyebrow. I clear my throat, then clarify, "Your dog."

A genuine smile lights up her face as she looks down, almost embarrassed. "Michael," she answers in a sheepish tone, an actual blush creeping on her full cheeks.

Oh, my God, Jade West is blushing.

"Wait…" I declare, realizing something, "Michael is Beck's middle name!"

"Um, yeah. Beck bought him for me when we started dating and practically bugged me half to death to name the dog after him like an annoying bitch and–"

I cut her off with, "Jade, you don't need to explain yourself. I know that you and Beck went out for a long time and you really cared about him. It's okay."

"Well, Shapiro, I better be going. Thanks for, uh, helping." I have no time to respond before I hear a shriek coming from the TV, which catches both of our attention. Kate, the girl with cancer, was found drunk trying to end her life. I stare in horror at the screen, trying hard not to think of the coincidence. Memories from that night flash through my brain, Beck's disappointed face, everyone's sympathetic words. I wince, trying to get it out of my mind.

"Hey," Jade says softly, making me look in her direction, "You don't need to worry; Beck is going to forgive you for that some day."

Weakly, I stammer, "B-But I did something else, something worse. Jade, I don't think he'll f-forgive me this time."

She hurriedly takes her spot next to me on the couch and, as if we're best friends, proclaims, "Okay, tell me everything."

So I do.

* * *

"Hey babe, I'm glad you called. I just got off work. So, are you busy? I can bring some Chinese or whatever you're in the mood for–"

"Beck," I cut him off shakily, my voice hoarse and tired. "I have to tell you something."

There's a pause on the other end before Beck states, "Sure, Rob, go ahead."

I inhale deeply as I make sure this is what I really want to do. Jade and I talked about it and she advised me to tell him, but I'm not so sure. I decide to just suck it up and be a man, so I sputter, "I-I know I've been a really big trouble on you with this cancer and everything."

"What? Of course you haven't been, Robbie, I love you so much and I'm so thankful you're healthy!" Beck exclaims.

By now, I'm full on crying. "I did something really bad, B-Beck. Something you probably will n-n-never forgive me for." My chest erupts with sobs, making me almost drop the phone.

"Robbie, you're scaring me. Just tell me, babe, it'll be okay." He's in a panic now, I can tell.

After I finally compose myself, I manage to squeak out, "I thought it would be best if you just broke up with me so you didn't have to handle the heartache. I thought that maybe if people made fun of you about me that you would see I'm not worth it. So…I p-paid Sinjin to write that stuff on your locker."

* * *

**Okay, you guys, I know there's not much Reck romance yet, but it'll kick into play in a couple of chapters, I promise! I just think it's very important to get character development and the plotline in before getting to the romance aspects. I wasn't planning on doing a chapter about Trina last time and I just realized that this one is pretty much just about Jade. I'm sorry! Anyway, did you guys see that coming? Was it a bit too far or out there? I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me in a review!**

** I'm sorry for not updating on time, I really am. My computer wouldn't turn on and I was on vacation, but I still wish I could've got the chapter up on time. Did you guys hear that Victorious is ending? There isn't going to be a season four. It's sad, but I guess I understand. All shows have to come to an end, right? Well, there's a story out now called _Let's Save Victorious_ that you should all check out.  
**

** Hey, maybe if you review, the show will go on longer!**

** I'm totally lying, but you should still review XD**


	11. Don't Let Me Go

**I know, I know. I'm late on updating again D: This chapter was really hard to write because it's Beck's reaction to the news, but I'm still not sure how I feel about this. I feel like I made him too harsh on Robbie, but really, wouldn't you feel the same way? Also, school started for me on Thursday, so I've been busy. You can still yell at me for being late, though, if you want.**

** Remember, this chapter is back to Beck's point of view!**

** Ailodierap: I'm glad you liked it! I really hope you like the way Beck handles it, because I'm not so sure :P Anyway, thanks again! :)**

** FangirlInTheCorner: Aw, you're review was so cute! So is your name, haha. I'm glad you loved it so much, thank you :D**

** EmmaRose58: Oh, I'm an awful reviewer. I'm really, really lazy since I get on here from my iPod so I have to log in every time and it's just a hassle. Don't worry about it! I might look into that Twitter thing, thanks. I'm glad you seemed to like the chapter! :)**

** CatlovesBB: Well, you certainly are awesome! I know what you mean, a lot of writers just think about a few people. I'm going to try and get Andre and Tori more involved in the story somehow, because they haven't really been around. Anywho, thanks so much as always!**

** Degrassi Nonsense: No, come back to life! You're too cool to die :D**

** XxHushHushxX: I know, I hope it wasn't too over the top :/**

** Disclaimer: I own my semi original plotlines, but I don't own Victorious.**

* * *

I wish there was some kind of emotion to explain just how I feel right now, but I'm at a loss for words. There's so much I want to say into the phone, but I'm just sitting here with my mouth hanging open unable to make words come out. I want to hug Robbie and tell him that he's so wrong, but at the same time this is the maddest I've ever been at him. I feel shocked, confused, speechless, and most of all, betrayed. How could he even think I'd want to break up with him just because of the cancer? What kind of boyfriend – let alone person – does he think I am?  
"B-Beck?" Robbie's weak voice says from the phone. I clear my throat to let him know I'm still there, but I don't exactly know what to say yet. I mean, I knew that he was insecure especially now, but I just can't fathom that he would go so far as to trying to get me to break up with him.

"D-Do you really want me gone so bad that you would cause bullying to yourself?" I ask, not sounding rude, exactly, but more astonished. I hear him whimper and I wish I could be there to hold him, but at the same time I don't. When he doesn't say anything, I start to get even more pissed off. "Fucking answer me, Robbie!" I yell fiercely, making him whimper again.

"N-No! Beck, it's not like that, I swear. I just wanted you to realize that I'm not all you want me to be and I don't want to hurt you anymore–"

"No," I stop him, my voice low and somewhat menacing. "You can't say that you didn't want to hurt me. You knew that something like this could just break me, Robbie. How could you do this? I've given you all my love and devotion, standing by you at every step. This whole time I've been trying not to be selfish, but you're making it pretty damn hard right now." There's a long pause where all I can hear is Robbie's shallow breathing.

"I-I'm so sorry, Beck. Are you…are you breaking up with me?" There's another big silence where I close my eyes and try to get a grip on what's happening, but it's hard. After about ten seconds, Robbie questions squeakily, "Beck?"

I take a deep breath, tears forming in my eyes. "I honestly don't know. I think…I think I just need a break, Robbie."

"From me?" His voice is no longer weepy, but solemn and sad.

"From all of this. I can't…I can't talk anymore, okay? I just…Bye." I gruffly declare.

"B-Bye," Robbie mutters, then hands up the phone. I sit there with the phone in my hand, listening to the dial tone for the longest time. I actually begin to think of the consistent, one-toned noise as a metaphor of how I feel right now – numb. Tears haven't spilled over yet, which I guess is surprising. Aren't you supposed to cry when you tell the one you love that you want a break? Maybe I'm a horrible person, but I think I've forced my emotions to freeze already. Perhaps since I know what it's like to have heartbreak, I've already put up a defense mechanism to keep the pain away.

I start to wonder if I was too harsh with Robbie. Maybe, I think, I should have let him explain himself more rather than just blowing up. I know that I've hurt him by doing this, but he has hurt me even worse. It's unfathomable to even think that he really thought I would break up with him over some teasing and extra stress, it's like he doesn't know me. He's well aware that he's my whole world and I'd never let him go, but I'm not sure if I can keep dealing with this drama.

If I break up with him, which I really don't want to do, I know it's going to break me in ways I never thought possible. This is something I'm going to have to think about for a long time, I realize that I can't just base my decision off of how I'm feeling right now. If I really want to be smart about this, I have to think long and hard about how it will affect my whole life…and Robbie's. I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself if I ever broke his heart, which I probably already have. I'm so conflicted right now, as well as hurt, pissed, and vulnerable.

This wasn't supposed to happen to Robbie and I. Our lives were perfect together before this disease came in and ruined everything, now I'm so lost. I think of God and how I always thought He was on my side, but I'm not so sure anymore. I start to think, what if God doesn't even existed? What if there is no heaven, no higher authority, no better place? Maybe we're all just made to die and that's it; when you're gone, you're gone and you don't go anywhere but straight into the ground. I know I'm being so damned selfish right now, but I can't help it.

I hate this.

I hate how this whole thing has made me feel, I hate what Robbie has turned to, I hate the fact that my life is falling apart, but most of all I hate myself. I hurt my only love and told him that I wanted a break purely on impulse, and now I'm starting to think I messed up. Sure, I'm still extremely mad at him, but maybe it wasn't necessary to say all of that to him. Wanting to shut the world out, I turn the lights off and jump into bed, pulling the blankets around me tightly.

In my dream, I'm standing outside of a building – I can't exactly tell what building – wearing a suit. Tori, who is wearing a black dress, is standing with me, her arms crossed over her chest. There are tears in her chocolate eyes as she stares at me, her expression cheerless. I don't know if I've ever actually seen her like this; she's always smiles and laughter. I squint at her in the sunlight as she reaches out her hand and touches my arm. Her pleading voice says, "Beck, you have to go."

"No," I say, staring at the ground. I turn away from my friend so my back is facing her, but I can still feel her staring at me, wanting a different answer. "No one wants me there, Tori, and you know it."

"That's not–" The brunette girl's protest is cut off by the front door opening loudly as we both turn to see who it is.

A petite, redheaded girl pokes her head out of the large doorway. Cat's wearing all black, a rarity for her, and she looks completely numbed. "Tori, aren't you going to come in–?" She stops talking when her eyes meet mine, and I see something there that I never have before; fury. Sure, I've seen her mad when we don't let her pick movies for movie night. I've seen her upset that the ice cream parlor ran out of her favorite flavor – cookie dough. But I've never seen her look so ravenously angry before, and to be honest, it scares me.

"You," she growls as her nostrils flare. Cat lunges at me, nearly knocking me over. Her small fists throw punches at me left and right, until she's knocked me over completely and she has a leg on each side of me. There, I continue to take blows to the head from the tiny girl as she screams, "You did this!" over and over. Someone finally pulls her off and restrains her, though she still tries to break free.

Andre, who I didn't know was there, helps me up and offers me a handkerchief, putting me on the back somberly. I see that Tori has Cat by the arms, shouting things to get her to try to calm down. The smaller girl won't have any of it, however. "No!" Cat screams at Tori's attempts to coax her. She's sobbing now and Tori lets go of her as she begins to cry, too. Cat walks towards me slowly as she points my direction while she murmurs, "It's your fault we're here, at his f-funeral. Its y-your fault Robbie killed himself."

Killed himself.

_Killed himself._

I awaken with a jolt and sit up hurriedly, sweat coating my whole body. I glance at the digital clock by my bed and see that I've only been asleep for two hours. There's no time for me to relax, though, because I know I've made a horrible mistake. I jump out of bed, grab my keys, and stumble out the door, not even bothering to lock RV. I drive as fast as I can across town, hoping and praying that I'm not too late. I know that it was a dream, but I never have nightmare like that unless something is wrong. And I can just feel that something is incredibly, _dangerously_ wrong.

I finally pull up Robbie's apartment complex's parking lot and see that his crappy old car is there, which is a good sign. I sprint up to the door and knock vigorously until I hear footsteps coming to answer the door, all the while I'm hoping and praying Robbie comes to the door. The door swings open, revealing a tired looking Mr. Shapiro. "What do you want?" he asks coldly, his eyes glaring at me.

"Mr. Shapiro, I have to see him!" I beg desperately, my eyes filling with tears.

"You promised me you wouldn't hurt my son, Beck, but he's been up in his room crying ever since you said what you did."

"I know I hurt him, sir, but I have a really bad feeling and I need to know–" My plea is interrupted by a loud crashing sound coming from upstairs, making my heart stop. We're quiet for a few moments before I whip past Robbie's father and make my way up the stairs with him close at my heels. Before opening the door, I hear a muffled scream and I know exactly who it belongs to.

I push open his bedroom door and see him sprawled on the ground, clutching his left arm. He's lying close to his closet, where a step stool is sitting. The amazing boy is crying and rolling on the floor, so I can assume his arm is broken. When I take a look around, I see that there's a bar, the kind put between door frames and used for pull ups, on the floor next to Robbie. I take a closer look at his sprawling, pained body and see something that makes me scream.

There's a rope around his neck.

Robbie tried to hang himself.

* * *

**Okay, another cliffhanger.**

**Kind of.**

**Do I do this too often? I really want to know, so please tell me in a review! It would be much appreciated.**

**Also, if you read my oneshot **_**Addictions**_**, you should read it again because I edited it and made it way more detailed. If you haven't read it, please read it and let me know if you liked it!**

** So, I guess this is it for now.**

** Stop crying and be a man, because everyone knows that real men don't cry; they leave reviews! :D**


	12. You've Got Me Coming Undone

**I'm late updating again, I'm aware of this. This time, I'm a whole three weeks late and I'm really sorry. From now on, I'll be updating on a different day. I can't say yet what day that'll be, but I really hate feeling like an ass for not updating on time. School just started and it's hard for me to get in anytime to write, but I'll definitely always have time for you guys!  
Oh, and I got eleven reviews for last chapter, which really is quite a lot! I can't express how much each of you means to me. Love you all :)**

** 0809m: It's one of the best compliments ever when I know my writing has made someone cry! Haha, that sounds really weird ;) Anyway, thanks so much :D **

**Guest #1: I know, I'm very late on this, but here you go! :)**

** Guest #2: Thanks!**

** Guest #3: Thank you so much! Try not to let the haters get you down; they're more trouble than they're worth. Keep your head up :D**

**Gilliesfan: I try not to add too much religion into my stories, since I don't know who I might offend, but I'm glad you liked it :)**

** Stacy: I don't know, this story has some pretty bad commitment issues ;) Haha thanks!**

** CatLovesBB: Once again, your review made my day! Thanks so much, you're still awesome :D**

** Mylove13: Thank ya!**

** yaoi and kink lover 3000: Awwww, I'd never stop writing! I couldn't bear it. So glad you like the story :D**

** Guest #4: I promise he starts to realize how stupid he is soon! :)**

** 143: Thanks, I didn't update very soon though :/**

** Disclaimer: I own this poorly updated story, but I don't own Victorious.**

The first thing out of Robbie's mouth once he gets situated in the hospital bed is, "I'm sorry." He doesn't look at me when he says it; his eyes are glued to the blue plaster cast on his arm, which he broke in three places due to the fall. I'm sitting on the edge of the small bed, right across from Rob. Looking around, I decide that I've seen enough hospital rooms to last me a lifetime, even though I've only been in two. Although, both times have been because of Robbie and I've never wanted that. After looking at him, I open my mouth to speak, but a sob comes out instead. I bury my face in my hands, not wanting him to see me like this. When I try to calm myself down, it just makes everything worse.

I take a minute or two to remind myself that I have to be strong, but it's so hard. I finally manage to peak up from my hands and see Robbie, the love of my life, with tears in his beautiful eyes. "It's…" I say in a cracked voice, "It's okay." This, however, makes Robbie's tears spill over as he begins to cry, too. I can't help but let myself cry again as well, because I just can't handle seeing him like this. Here, in a bleak hospital room, with us crying and a big cast on Robbie's broken arm, I wonder how it ever came to this.

"Robbie," I whisper, moving closer to him, pain eating up my insides.

He murmurs, "Please, just hold me."

So, I do.

I lie next to him in the small bed and pull the papery covers around us, and after we're adjusted he lays his head on my chest. We're careful not to mess up the bandage from the gash on his head, which he got from the fall. We cling to each other through our tears as we talk for the longest time. After a while I realize that Robbie and I haven't sat down and just talked about how we're feeling about everything that's happened. I beat myself up because this is what we should've done when he called me about the Sinjin thing, but I just jumped straight to almost breaking up with him, causing Robbie to come so close to killing himself. For the first time since this whole mess began, things actually start to make sense.

Robbie never actually wanted to break up with me. Ever since he first got the Chemo treatment, he thought he was just being a trouble on everyone around him. One of the people he thought he was burdening the most was his father. Robbie and his dad have an interesting relationship to begin with, mostly because when Mr. Shapiro was living with his son, he was usually yelling at him. He was angry man who had a cheating, scornful, money-blowing wife that was always screaming at him about something or other. Since Robbie was never exactly…normal, Mr. Shapiro resented most of the things he did. Once he moved out, he never saw his only son much. He had to work twelve hour shifts most days to get out of the debt his ex-wife caused, and when Robbie moved in he had to work even harder.

Robbie tells me that when any of our friends visited him either at his house or in the hospital, he figured they just felt sorry for him. Tori asked constantly if there was anything he needed – a blanket, soup, some movies? She treated him as if he would keel over and die any moment, and even though she meant well, Robbie couldn't help but feel bad. Andre would avoid the subject of cancer completely and just told jokes or what was new at Hollywood Arts, but Robbie thought he could always sense that Andre was uncomfortable. When Jade came to visit, she never said much. She just stood away from him with her arms crossed over her chest, but Rob says that he knew she was holding back her usual insults because she felt bad for him.

Cat would just sit next to him on the couch or his bed with her arms wrapped around her knees, not saying a word most times. When he would say her name to get her attention, she'd just look at him, then reach out her hand like she wanted to touch him, but then she'd stop. After Robbie asked why one time, she just looked down and said quietly, "I don't want to break you." It made him incredibly guilty to know that because he was so "weak" – his word, not mine – Cat was afraid of cracking him. She thought that by just one touch, Robbie would be sent in a downward spiral into hysteria. This started happening after he got home from the whole drinking incident and Cat's been acting that way ever since.

Then, finally, he tells me how he wanted me to break up with him for "my own good." He thought that I deserved to go out and live my life while I still could without being slowed down by a cancer ridden boyfriend. (Again, his words, not mine.) Robbie has always wanted the best for me, but he said he never really thought it out about how it would make him feel. Once he thought he lost me, he simply thought life was not worth living anymore. He realized that he was wrong to have thought I would want to break up with him just because some kids made fun of us, and he acted purely on impulse.

Robbie finishes his explanation with a broken, "I'm sorry."

"No," I say right back, "I'm the one who should be sorry. I must be the worst boyfriend in the world for not even asking you how all of this was making you feel, and I can't tell you how much I hate myself for that. I was too concerned in keeping you by my side, healthy, and happy, but I didn't think to ask how you were. You don't even know how badly I need you with me and this has shown me that, but it's also shown me that I can hold a lot of the blame for this. I'm…I'm so sorry Rob–"

I'm cut off by his lips colliding into mine. And this time, I don't hold back.

The kiss is just like how it used to be before this all started, before I was afraid of hurting Robbie with one touch. My right hand caresses his cheek as he runs both hands through my hair, and it's so much like the way we used to be that I can't let him go. Now, I know that we will get through this. This was the hardest obstacle I've ever had to face, but the fact that we made it through together really means something. In this kiss, I tell him everything I'm feeling and have felt. In this kiss, I tell him that I love him more than I ever thought I could and I know now that nothing will change it. In this kiss, I tell him I'm sorry.

Feeling his lips against mine in this way once again is different, but so familiar at the same time. We're dancing to choreography we learned months ago and have once forgotten, but now we're falling right back into the same rehearsed steps. Right now, all that matters is Robbie and the way he feels against me, the way I almost put out of my mind ever since this all began. Everything is light and carefree, but at the same time there's a brilliant passion behind every move each of us makes, and I realize now how much I missed this part of us.

I didn't know that Robbie's state of mind was so fragile, but it makes sense; he's gone through way too much in these past months. It's made him a paranoid, broken mess of how he used to be, but it's not his fault. It's this stupid, destroying cancer that's made him like this, and that makes me so remorseful. Watching him struggle so hard is probably the worst thing I've ever had to do, but I can't help but wonder if it's only going to get worse from this point on.

If I could change one thing in the whole world, I would make damn sure cancer never existed. Robbie and I would be playing video games right now or having sex, anything but sitting in a scratchy hospital bed attempting to rekindle what we had before any of this happened. His dad wouldn't hate me, Robbie wouldn't be suicidal, Cat wouldn't be sad all the time, and the world would just be a much better place without cancer. I think of how many people would still have parents, or best friends, or chances at love and it makes me sick that this has hurt so many people.

Of course, I can't change the fact that this horrible disease exists on this planet, but I do have to fight it. I can't let it control me and I have to put all my focus into Robbie feeling better; I absolutely cannot slack off this time. I won't be able to get wrapped up in my own selfish problems like I have in the past, because it's going to be different now. The most important thing in the world right now is that Robbie gets better – both mentally and physically. His health comes before any and everything now, and it's refreshing to know it.

We eventually stop kissing and Robbie lays his head on my chest, falling asleep soon enough. I try not to fall asleep (I know visiting hours are almost over) but I fail miserably, eventually giving into my slumber. There's something about the soft noise of the hospital – the nurses and doctors outside, patients talking – that calms me, oddly enough. Even though this bed is small and uncomfortable, I'm with Robbie and he's safe; not much else matters, as cliché as it sounds. Things have been so stressful lately that I'm glad when I finally let go of all my worries and quickly drift to sleep.

I'm groggily awoken sometime later and when my eyes adjust to the darkness, I make out the silhouette of a plump nurse. She's changing the bandage on Robbie's head, careful not to wake him. When she's finished and sees that I'm staring at her, she just looks at me. Unsure of what to do, I say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Are visiting hours over?"

The nurse grins at me and says, "Visiting hours were over four hours ago. You two looked so happy and I couldn't mess with that, now could I? Stay around, you seem good for him. Maybe you can help us with Robbie's recovery." With that, she winks and leaves the room.

I fall back asleep thinking maybe the nurse was right – maybe I really can help Robbie. Although, it's not really a choice at this point. I can't just hope that I'll help him; I have to.

**So, I don't have much to say except that I'm so, so sorry. I've been going through some very personal things but I'm not giving up on this story. I love you all and I'll see you next time :)**


	13. When I'm Gone, You'll Need Love

**I'm so so so so so so so so so sooooooo sorry, everyone! I haven't updated in over two months because my computer is totally fried, but I got a new one finally, so updates should be a little more regular. I feel like I've let you all down, I'm sure I probably have. I still love you guys and I really hope I haven't lost you. I guess I deserve any mean things you want to say to me :( **

** I know this is a super short chapter, but it's the best I could do.**

** Anyway, I hope you all like this chapter. Hopefully I can lighten things up a little bit with this chapter. As always, review!**

** ILOVEMARKAXEL: I'm glad! **

** CatLovesBB: I'm sorry that the update was so late again, but as always you're so sweet! Please tell me that you haven't given up on reading?**

** Guest: It probably doesn't seem like it, huh? Thank you, though :)**

** DegrassiNonsense: Sorry to keep you waiting yet again!**

** farrah johnson: Haha, I'll take the cookies anyway! :D**

Once my mom told me that loving someone shouldn't be complicated or complex; everything should just fall into place.

But here I am, sitting with Robbie, wondering why it can't be like that.

Maybe Mom is just wrong, because I know that I love him. Oh God, I love him more than anything in the world, and I will never stop. Still, I find it harder and harder with every tear he sheds, every confession of self-hatred he gives me. It makes me think of death and depression when I should be optimistically thinking about the future. Every time I see his bald head, though, I'm reminded that no matter how much I love him and want him to get better, he might not. At least before he lost his hair, I was able to forget about it for awhile when I was with him, but his naked skin symbolizes so much more than cancer. It represents the hardships, the pain, the suffering. The possibility that someday Robbie won't be here anymore.

Of course, it's not this bad all the time. Robbie's gotten a lot better mentally – two different kinds of depression medication, a support group for suicidal cancer patients, and people leaving him alone at school – but he still has his bad days, which are the worst for me. I'm so glad he talks to me about it instead of bottling it up, but it breaks my heart. He's such an amazing person who doesn't deserve this, but that doesn't stop any of it from happening. Not everyone gets what they deserve, good or bad. That's not the way the cookie crumbles, not the way the world turns. I know, I know, things like this happen all the time. Why should I be so special to get a miracle? What makes me so different than anyone else going through this situation? I'll tell you: no one else has Robbie.

I look at him in his blue pajama pants, watching some thanksgiving special TV and sipping on a hot cup of herbal tea with a squirt of lemon juice, heated exactly at room temperature. Trust me, I had to remake it three times. He's smiling, at amazing sight, and I can tell that he's truly happy – if making him smile was the only thing I was good for, it would be fine by me. There's a coffee stain on his shirt and it's way too big, but he still looks as beautiful as ever. Even without his hair.

Robbie notices that I'm staring at him and asks, "What are you thinking about, good lookin'?"

I just smile and say, "How much I love you." It's not totally a lie – I'm just not going to say that that's not the only thing I'm thinking about. His smile widens and so does mean. "Come here," I demand softly with my arms outstretched. Robbie stands and picks up a blanket from my bed, then sits next to me on the floor and wraps it around both of us. He cuddles up to me as we watch TV together contentedly, with him still sipping on his weird tea and me smiling the whole time. These moments when we're alone, just enjoying the others company, snuggled up by my TV, are the moments that I absolutely live for.

And maybe Robbie does have an awful disease, maybe he is suicidal. Maybe I am stressed and scared, afraid of what the future might bring, but this isn't over yet. He's still here, still breathing without any help. There hasn't been any results with the cancer, but in this case, no news is good news. I have to stop thinking so hard about what may happen tomorrow and focus on the sheer importance of today; Even though Robbie has cancer, I can't change it. What I can do is give him all my undivided attention, and to do that I have to not worry myself sick so much.

When I have moments like this to hold onto, I'm not so worried.

He looks up at me, puts his tea down, and kisses me. As always, his lips fit against mine, smooth lips (from all those male lip treatments he does) molded to my chapped ones. Immediately, he lightly tugs at my bottom lip with his teeth. I make a small sound of approval when Robbie releases my lip, looking at me. His eyes travel downward, quickly landing on my noticeable erection – damn sweatpants can't hide a thing. The look on Robbie's face grows lustful, hungry. We haven't had sex since he got out of the hospital five days ago.

This time is different. Very, very different. Usually I'm the one on top, but for whatever unspoken reason, Robbie wanted to take on that role this time, and I let him. It hurt pretty badly, but I eventually got used to it. Surprisingly, he was pretty rough. Not too rough, but rough enough for me to like it...a lot. We end up in my bed, naked, panting hard. Robbie falls asleep almost immediately but I stay up and watch him, wondering how I got so lucky.

When my mom asks me tomorrow what I'm thankful for tomorrow at Thanksgiving dinner, would it be too inappropriate to say sex with Robbie?

**You guys should review, even though I probably don't deserve it. Anyway, tell me your opinion on the new Victorious episodes. I personally don't like them that much XD**

** Until next time!**


	14. Happiness Damn Near Destroys You

**Happiness Damn Near Destroys You**

** I know, I know. It's been a whole month. I've been going through a lot with school and the holidays, but I truly am sorry. If anyone still cares about this story I appreciate you :)**

** mttmercado: I'm sure Rex is still around, I haven't actually had the time to watch much! But thank you :) **

** CatlovesBB: You're so nice :) I hope you're still reading!**

** Guest: Haha thanks!**

**Disclaimer: No ownership here.**

* * *

Thanksgiving starts off easily enough, waking up with Robbie right next to me. He's asleep and shivering, even though he stole the blankets away from me sometime during the night. He turns onto his other side, exposing the left side of his neck. There are bruises there that he was telling me about, from the Chemo, although this is the first time I've actually seen them. I turn quickly and go get all the blankets I have, piling them on Rob until he quits shaking so violently. After that, his frightened expression smooths out into an almost childlike one and I have to leave the room before I start crying and waking Robbie.

I immediately go to the bathroom and look in the mirror, seeing my obvious sex hair from last night that makes me smile slightly. That is, until I remember what I just saw on my boyfriend's neck. I quickly get in the shower and wait until I've washed my hair and body, then I allow myself to cry. Pathetically, I sit on the shower floor and rock back and forth with my face in my hands. As always, I ask myself why this is happening to him and not someone else? I look on my bicep and see a bruise of my own there, but this one is a good one derived from pleasure, not cancer treatment.

The hot water comforts me as I lay down in the fetal position on the small shower floor, whimpering slightly. I'm in there so long that the water goes cold, but I honestly don't notice. I don't notice much of anything except the questions that will never be answered pounding through my mind. That being said, I don't hear Robbie yell my name and I don't hear him come in the bathroom. When I finally notice it's because he yanks back the shower curtain and says, "Oh my God, Beck, what's wrong?"

He turns off the water and exclaims, "The water's freezing!" I manage to move my neck to look at him and it makes me want to cry all over again because this awful Leukemia has taken its toll on him. Robbie has bruises all over him and his hair is completely gone, he's constantly got a runny nose and a cough. He sniffles and grabs a towel, handing it to me.

I sit up, avoiding eye contact. Slowly, I stand and wrap the towel around me and step out of the tub and walk straight out of the bathroom. I can't look at him, because I'm sure I'll only find disappointment in those brown eyes. Tears are collecting in my eyes once again and I feel like a damn fool for not keeping it together like I keep saying I will. How am I supposed to keep Robbie from falling apart when I can't even keep myself in check?

I only make it a couple of steps out of the bathroom before I hear Robbie's distressed voice saying, "You can't just walk away like that, Beck." I turn to him, taking my time. Again, I'm avoiding eye contact as much as possible as a couple tears slip past my closed lids. "Hey," he says gently, tilting my head up with his finger, "Why won't you look at me?"

"Because I don't want to see you disappointed." I mutter, then turn away from him once more. This time, Robbie moves in front of me before I can walk away. He folds his arms over his chest and exhales sharply, which tells me that he's frustrated. After a few seconds, he moves his hands to my shoulders and at first I think he's going shake me, but he doesn't. He stares at me; I can feel his burning gaze even though I'm looking away. I look at him and this time, I stare straight into his eyes.

I only last a few moments before bursting into sobs, going limp into Robbie's arms. We stand there for a couple minutes until he coaxes me into getting dressed, but it's really hard to leave his comforting hold. I just put on some sweatpants and a t-shirt, since it's just going to be my parents, Robbie, and I at Thanksgiving dinner tonight. When I'm done we lay down and I rest my head on his chest comfortably, still hiccuping from crying so hard.

"Now," Robbie says when I calm down, "tell me what's going on, babe. Why on Earth would I be disappointed in you?"

"I'm supposed to be the strong one and you saw me break down," I murmur weakly, ironically.

"Beck, just because I have cancer doesn't mean you have to be strong all the time. You're allowed to cry sometimes, okay?"

"Okay. I just get so scared that...What if you..." I falter, tears brimming my eyes and Robbie's.

"Me, too." He admits. "I've found out that you can't let that fear consume you, though. We just have to enjoy the time we have together while I'm still here and make the best of it."

I moan, "But I don't want it to be like that! Why should we have to do that when we're supposed to have our whole lives together, Robbie? It's not fair! It's not _fair_!"

"Hey, hey, shhh," he says, cuddling me closer. "We don't know what's going to happen, I'm just saying we have to be prepared, okay?"

"O-Okay."

We lay there for the longest time wrapped up in each other as we kiss, talk, and just comfort each other. At one point, Robbie's running his hand through my hair. It feels nice and relaxing, until he whispers, "Having hair must be nice." He's not saying it rudely or sarcastically; in fact, I don't even know if I was meant to hear it at all. Nevertheless, it makes my stomach drop and my heart fill with guilt. I decide not to mention it, though, at least not right now.

Three hours later, we're sitting in my parent's lush dining room with a turkey in front of us. Robbie and I watch Dad, who is finishing carving the bird. My mom is running around the kitchen finishing the sides, even though it's just us four so it's really nothing to make a big deal about. Mom likes fussing over me when she can, however, since I'm pretty independent nowadays. Ever since my boss cut back my hours at work, I haven't been making as much money as I need to save for college and pay for food, but I've been managing. I chose not to think about that now, because today is a day to be grateful for what I have, not worry about it.

I notice that Robbie is quiet, so I ask what's wrong. He shakes his head and says, "Nothing...Feeling kind of sick." I can tell he wants me to forget it, but he knows me better than that.

"Hey, Dad, Robbie's not feeling too–" I begin to say, but I'm cut off by Robbie vomiting.

Dad and I are at his side in an instant, asking if he's alright. Then, I look at the ground and shout, "Dad, call 911!"

Robbie vomited blood.

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** Review, por favor? Lolz I knowz spanish **


	15. I'm Still Not Sure What I Stand For

** Hey you guys, I'm really going to try and update more frequently now, hopefully back to my once a week schedule. I love you all, thanks for being supportive and not giving up on me :)**

**THIS STORY HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR A TOPAZ AWARD FOR MINOR PAIRING!**** The voting hasn't been opened yet, but I would love for you all to vote for me if you like this story. I would be so appreciative of that, I love you guys! Even being nominated is a huge honor and special thanks to Ailodierap for nominating me :)  
The forum is here (take out the "dots" and replace them with "." and remove all of the spaces por favor): forum/The-Topaz-Awards-2013/108350/**

** AND THIS IS IN ROBBIE'S POINT OF VIEW ONCE AGAIN!**

** IAmImperfect: Thanks so much!**

** DoubleBubble294: Luckily, I updated on time for once!**

** Degrassi Nonsense: I agree, a lot of Reck stories are like, "Beck love meh pls" And then Beck is all, "no I 3 jade" And Robbie's like, "pls" and Beck is like, "k who needs morals?"...Wow, that was stupid. Anyway, thank you :)**

** Evangelion-Wings: Thanks, I totally agree with you and I'm working on it!**

** Disclaimer: Girl, bye.**

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When your life is on the line and you know it, you have to learn to let the chips fall where they may. There's no point in worrying about possible death when it's going to happen whether you like it or not, even if it's not from what you think. You also have to know that even if you do die, the world will keep on turning without you. You have to put your trust in the doctors that they will try their best to make you better, even if you're scared. You have to live life to the fullest, as they say, but it's more important now than ever. Of course, this mindset it much easier said then done.

When you are faced with something that could possibly danger your life and hits you like a brick in the stomach, you falter. You wonder why you haven't researched more to find out if this is as serious as you think it might be. You rest your head on a loved one's shoulder in the ambulance while you try not to get sick again, wondering what this all means. You wonder why you're so cynical, but you think you kind of have to be, just in case. But most of all, you wonder if this is the end.

You're always wondering when it's going to be the end.

* * *

Turns out, today is not the end for me, and I honestly don't know how I feel about that.

Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm greedy, but one thing is for damn sure; I absolutely hate the constant loop my life is in right now and I can't separate myself from this ongoing battle in my head. One minute, I'm convinced that I'll be okay, that I can overcome this cancer. Then, the next minute, I'll be crying, wondering if I should just end it all. It doesn't even make sense to me whatsoever; I have so much support from my friends, my dad, and my loving boyfriend, but I still feel depressed all the time. Everyone feels so sorry for me, but what did I expect? They felt sorry for me before I even got Leukemia, so of course things are no different now.

The doctor told me that I vomited blood because of the Chemo I started a couple of weeks ago and it's not a big deal. I'm laying down, waiting for my dad, when I hear a knock at the door. "Come in," I say hoarsely and the door opens slowly. Tori pokes her head in with a small, sympathetic smile on her face.

"Hey," she murmurs quietly.

I try and return her smile, but I'm fairly sure it comes out as a grimace. "Hey, Tori, come on in."

She walks all the way in and I see she's holding a gift bag that reads: "It's a girl!" on it in pink, sparkly letters. "Uh," I say, one eyebrow raised, pointing towards the bag.

Tori looks down, then laughs a little. She doesn't explain until she sits down at the foot of my small hospital bed. She hands me the present and says, "Sorry, it's the last bag they had. It goes pretty well with your present, though."

Curiously, I take out some tissue paper and reach inside, grabbing a small box. I take out and see that it's some Asian brand of a male B.B Cream. I laugh uncomfortably and ask, "What is this?" Even though I know full well what it is; I've been wanting to expand my male makeup collection forever.

"It's like a tone corrector, foundation, moisturizer and a bunch of other face stuff all in one, but for guys." Tori explains, and I can't help but be grateful.

"Thanks Tori!" I squeal childishly, but I couldn't care less right now. "I'm sure this cost a fortune." She just shakes her head and smiles, then says I deserve it. That's the understatement of the year, but of course I don't tell her that. She's really quiet right now, which is unlike her bubbly, lively, border-line annoying personality.

"What's wrong?" I ask after an uncomfortable silence, and she looks up at me and I see tears brimming her eyes.

She sniffles and says, "Sorry. I just hate seeing you in a hospital bed with...you know. It just scares me a lot, and I wish I wasn't so mean to you before. You know, rejecting you, making fun of you..."

"Kneeing me in the groin," I interject, earning a laugh from her. "Tori, I'm not on my death bed or anything. You weren't all that mean, trust me."

"Thanks, Robbie. I should probably let you rest, I just wanted to let you know I'm most thankful for you this year." With that, she leaves the room and I allow tears to well up in my eyes.

Before I can really think about what just happened, there's a knock at the door again. I wipe my eyes and say come in, wondering if it's another one of my friends. Or, maybe it's Beck, back with some coffee from the cafeteria. Of course, I can't be that lucky; it's the doctor. Dr. Lawless is a small, mousy man, who has wired framed glasses that never want to stay put on the bridge of his nose. He walks in with his usual clipboard and pen in hand, although he looks rather worried like always.

"How are you doing, Robbie?" He asks, pushing his glasses up.

"Okay, sir."

"Robbie," he says with a sigh, "we have your long term blood work back from our lab. Do you...know what Chronic Leukemia is?"

The room is silent for a few seconds as I stop breathing. "Yes." I breathe.

"I'm sorry Robbie–"

"Go get Beck," I demand, my whole body shaking, ready to erupt in sobs.

By the time I feel those comforting, strong arms around me, I'm already crying. "What?" Beck questions frantically, "What's wrong? What is it? Robbie!"

He coaxes me into calming down enough to where Dr. Lawless starts talking. "Robbie has Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia." He says quietly in his small voice.

Beck asks with fear in his voice, "W-What does that mean?"

The doctor sighs heavily, then explains, "CLL is a type of Leukemia that increases the risk of infections because there is a low number of white blood cells. It's rare that we see it in such a young person, but of course, anything can happen in the medical world."

"So, what's the big deal?" Beck asks and I bury my head farther into his chest.

"Chronic Leukemia usually gets worse over time...And it's hard to cure."

* * *

By the time they let us leave, Beck and I are both all cried out. He tells me over and over that this doesn't mean it's the end, that anything can happen. I say things like, "Yes, sure, of course," but I really am not feeling to sure about that. My dad wants me to go home with him tonight, which is reasonable. He lets me have a few minutes with Beck in the waiting room and Beck's parents do the same. Before they go, Mrs. Oliver squeezes me tightly and says that everything will be okay and Mr. Oliver shakes my hand with sad eyes.

Beck and I sit in the empty waiting room for ten minutes, holding hands and trying not to cry. He says over and over, "Everything will be okay; this doesn't mean anything. We can't give up on getting you better, it will all be okay." Although, I can't help but wonder if he's talking to me, himself, or the empty waiting room around us. Nonetheless, I still nod and agree with him, because what else can I do? Of course, it is true that I can get better, he's right about that. There's just really no way to know, but that doesn't mean that this doesn't suck ass.

Eventually, we make it to our parents' separate cars. We hug tightly, saying we love each other at least three times each. It's hard for me to watch him leave, because I want nothing more than to fall asleep in his arms tonight without worrying about what will happen about the future. I do not want to think about the debt this could bring my father, the medical hardships I'll go through, the countless tears that will be shed. At least, I don't want to have to think about all those things yet, anyway.

Of course, just because I don't want to think about any of that, doesn't mean that I don't.

Eventually, I find myself unable to sleep. I sit up in my bed, pull the covers off, and get up. I turn the light on and look at my full length mirror, cringing at what I see. I don't remember waking up yesterday and seeing such a skinny, fragile, bald person. Yet, here I am. I realize that this is what I am and I can't change it. However, just because you can't change something, doesn't mean you have to like it.

I grab a jacket off the floor and pull it on, even though I'm sweating. Quietly, I sneak out of the apartment and find the staircase that leads up to the roof of the building. Once there, I just sit down and look at the moon, thinking about what might happen to me within the next few years. Suddenly, (or at least it seems to happen suddenly) I'm walking towards the edge of the roof. I shakily stand on the edge and feel the Los Angeles November wind slowly caress me. I think that this could be a peaceful, nice way to go, instead of the alternative that I'm facing.

I bring myself back to reality and look down at the dumpsters below me, and think that maybe, just maybe, I don't belong with the garbage like I've been telling myself all along. I step down from the ledge and simply leave the rooftop, then head back to the apartment. Before finally falling asleep, I think to myself, _I will never, no matter how hard this gets, take the easy way out_.

Because, after all, no one ever said life would be easy.

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** I'm actually quite proud of this chapter; what do you guys think?**


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